I skipped Christmas Dinner with my family because I knew he’d be there. I was following the Josh Duggar trial until it became too triggering. Since then, I’ve been struggling daily.

Idk why I’m posting here, I guess I needed to talk to someone and I can’t talk to anyone irl.

I had two people abuse me during childhood. My stepbrother and one of my bio brothers friends. The first one was nice. The second one was a sadist.

Honestly as weird as it sounds, I just still really care about/love my stepbrother. I just didn’t want to see him while I was feeling so triggered. I know he still cares about me too. He has told me that he thinks about me often and would love to get together.

He also said that he thinks about the last time we were “together” quite a lot. I was 13 and he was 20. He regularly abused when I was 4-10. I never thought of it as abuse though because he was a kid too.

Why do I feel so conflicted? Why is it that most of the time I get physically sick when I think about him or see a picture of him? But then other times I miss him so bad, and get emotionally hurt that he comes in and out of my life? Was it all consensual? Idk. I’m trying to find a trauma informed therapist near me. The last one I had quit after I disclosed to her and I haven’t been back because I don’t want to bother anyone with my issue.

Thank you if you read this. This is my first post on Reddit. I’m not sure if I did it right.