I’m falling apart.

I have a throw away account on Reddit where I talk to people about my past experiences and they get off on it or telling me things they would do to me. I go through phases were I get so addicted to that.. I can’t focus on fricken anything. Lately I’ve been talking to someone a lot and it’s gotten really inappropriate. My partner would be upset if he knew what’s been going on.

My partner is the best person in the world. He saved me from an abusive relationship, helped me escape, supported me through therapy and slowly accepting sexuality that wasn’t forced. He’s been so patient and kind.

I’m falling behind at work. I’m failing as a partner. I’m a terrible person. I started self injuring and I’m hiding it from him.

Sometimes I wish he would have just killed me. Or I wish I would have succeeded when I tried to end it all when I was a teenager. I can function in this world I’m too broken. I can’t figure out how to shut this down and continue pretending to be a functional human. I’ve been in therapy almost all my life. I’ve done emdr and read the books. At the end of the day something about the core of who I am is rotten and corrupted and I’ll never be ok.