Gosh this is a rant sorry. I just need to vent.

I'm gonna admit, im pretty buzzed right now and emotional.

I feel like a failure? I got dumped after 10 years by my partner, kicked out of the house. I only had a truck full of stuff left and a huge student debt. But after that things started picking up. I got a good job and appartment in my hometown close to my family.

I lost 38 kgs during covid and was feeling pretty good about myself. Got a great appartment close to the city center of Amsterdam. Hell yeah, lets live a little!Lets hit the clubs since i was in a relationship from very early on. Well i got my body count up but i still felt empty. I felt so lonely.

Downloaded tinder lets go, made some nice friendships got some attention. Even met a girl who blew my socks off. Got on anti depressants, got in therapy i was really getting my act together. So I thought.

Fats forward a little over a year, I broke up. This girl really took advantage of me and mistreated me from the start. But hey I was blind because damn how could someone be this hot be interested in me right?

Well this is me now. I feel miserable, 34 years old, my exes all got married have kids, one still has my damn cats. And I'm here drinking alone after hanging with friends/family all day, them telling each other to say hi to their partners and cats (for f sake) after we said goodbyes. And me just leaving to my empty apartment.

Gained about 15kgs back during my last relationship so I don't feel too good about myself. At least i got off my anti depressants. Thats something.

But I can't help but feeling like a failure. I'm turning 35 years old this year. All i have i my tiny 1 bedroom apartment my shitty old car and a job which i have a love hate relationship with. Friends well, a couple I'm not that social. And yeah lot's of therapy appointments left and a shitton of anxiety. And my most recent ex which still makes me feel like I'm the problem.

Gosh, I just really feel like I failed at life at my age. I have the feeling now I just age and there is no one or nothing left for me. It's hard feeling like the pity party in your friend group and family. It feels so hard with all these gorgeous people in Amsterdam who are still young, have their life all on track and good jobs.