journal.txt

7:45 AM, Monday, May 10th

Today is going to be different. Today is the day I take back control and turn things around. I can do it. I believe in myself.

7:33 PM, Monday, May 10th

I couldn't. Today was the same as every single day. Why can't I do it? Why do I do these things? Why do I feel this way?

8:40 PM, Thursday, May 13th

People at work are starting to notice. My boss called me into a long, painful meeting. I wanted to explain, but I couldn't. I didn't say anything.

I considered killing myself on the way back home. Those concrete stairs look hard and sharp enough, I bet if I smashed my head against them hard enough I wouldn't feel this way anymore.

2:04 AM, Sunday, May 16th

I called Mom today because I forgot about Mother's Day last week. I didn't want to talk to her, but I felt worse about not talking to her, so I called. I thought about telling her everything, but I couldn't. I pretended everything was fine, as usual. She doesn't suspect a thing.

9:45 PM, Thursday, May 20th

My boss called me into another meeting. He tells me I need to improve. My hands wanted to grab him and strangle him. I couldn't even look him in the eye - I just stared at the table. "I'm trying" is all I managed to say. His response just pissed me off more.

Every night I have to resist the urge to jump in front of the train car on the way home.

3:05 AM, Monday, May 24th

I don't even remember what I did this weekend. I think I stayed in bed for most of it. Maybe I was browsing the internet on my phone, or on my computer? I don't even know. I don't even have the energy to masturbate anymore.

Fuck it. I don't want to live like this. I can do this. I just need to do the work. Motivate myself. It's not that hard. I've done it before. I can keep doing it - everyone else around me does it every day.

Today will be different. I just need to get some sleep...

11:34 PM, Monday, May 24th

It's like my body is fighting me every step of the way. My mind goes somewhere else every time I try to focus, my hands automatically do something else unless I command them to stay on task. It's exhausting. Sooner or later it fails and things go to shit.

Why am I like this? I hate myself...

3:21 PM, Thursday, May 27th

My boss called another meeting, in a different room today. There was a lady from HR. I didn't want to be in that room. I didn't want to listen to them. Halfway through the meeting, I couldn't take it anymore. I don't even know why I did what I did - suddenly I was standing, and the next thing I know I had slammed the door on my way out as I ran out of the building.

Fuck. Why did I do that? Why can't I just talk? What am I going to do?

1:15 AM, Saturday, May 29th

I didn't go into work today. I'm...not even sure what I did. I think I stayed in bed and cried? It's all a blur. I don't want to go outside. Fuck.

6:44 PM, Saturday, May 29th

Of course tehy fired me. They sent me a niec, neat lil email, telling me my things would be sent in the mail, along with some nice lil official documents.

I don't even remember concsiously moving my hand. I smashed my keybboard so hard it broke in hal;f and tookk the desk tray with it. I cna't type with my right hand aynmore.

3:55 AM, Sunday, May 30th

i thnk i broek my hand

7:02 AM, Monday, May 31st

My hand hurts like hell. I've been chugging whatever pills I can find in my apartment. I think it's helping.

Just gonna sleep.

9:35 PM, Wednesday, June 2nd

There's a number I don't recognize sending me texts on my phone. I don't know what they're talking about. I don't remember talking to anyone since last week.

As far as I can remember, I've just been home sleeping and playing games.

12:12 AM, Saturday, June 5th

I looked at my phone for the first time in a few days. It looks like that number is still sending me texts - and for some reason, it looks like I've been sending responses? I don't remember writing any of these. I blocked the number and deleted the conversations.

I don't want to talk to anyone.

5:29 AM, Monday, June 7th

I...can't remember what I did this weekend. There's another number in my phone. I blocked them and tried to smash the phone, but couldn't, like my arms wouldn't let me. Maybe it's because my hand still hurts.

I don't know what to do.

11:09 AM, Tuesday, June 8th

I think I sleepwalked out of my apartment. I remember going to bed, and when I woke up I was outside, on the sidewalk, my legs walking on their own.

I...don't remember wearing these clothes when I went to bed last night.

1:58 PM, Tuesday, June 8th

That text conversation is still there on my phone. I want to look at it, but I can't seem to bring myself to open it, like this massive feeling of dread overtaking me whenever I try to tap on it. All I can see is the last message:

"See you tonight."

I'm not going anywhere tonight. I'm going to lock myself in my apartment and just play games. It's going to be okay.

8:11 AM, Wednesday, June 9th

I had a weird dream last night - I remember being outside my apartment, in the cold, walking somewhere. Next thing I know I'm in a room, and everything is dark. I think there are other people, but I can't see them. I can hear their voices, but the words don't make sense. I just nod.

I...really don't want to go outside anymore.

I'm going to stock up on a few days worth of food and put my furniture to block the front door.

4:57 AM, Thursday, June 10th

can't sleep

3:11 PM, Thursday, June 10th

My phone is going crazy today. That number keeps sending me messages. I don't want to look at it. I thought about throwing my phone outside but the door to my apartment is still blocked.

Maybe I should just kill myself?

2:42 AM, Friday, June 11th

Okay, I think I've figured this out. I found a nice sharp knife in my kitchen. Did some research. I think I can do this. Just gotta be quick, and it shouldn't be too bad. Front door is still blocked, so no one will be able to come in.

This is it. Finally the nightmare is over.

3:00 PM, Monday, June 14th

Why am I still here?

No, seriously, WHY AM I STILL HERE?

I saw the knife go in, I saw the blood coming out, and I blacked out. I was free.

So why am I here, in my bed? There's a huge cut on my arm, but not a single drop of blood anywhere. I can't even find the knife - I can't find any knife, like they've been stolen.

The furniture that was blocking my front door is gone too.

I...I'm scared. I don't want to be here. The phone keeps buzzing. Don't want it. Don't want anything.

8:27 PM, Thursday, June 17th

I think I've been sleeping more and more. Maybe from the loss of blood. Been having more and more of those dreams.

In the dream, I walk out of the apartment. My legs move on their own, like they know where to go. I certainly don't know where I'm going.

Every time I blink I'm transported to a new place, until I can't recognize anything about where i am. I'm in a building, somewhere. Vision goes black, and it stays black. It's cold, and I can tell there are people around. They talk, and talk, and I talk too. I don't understand any of it.

Then I wake up.

2:29 PM, Friday, June 18th

My apartment is getting more and more empty. A lot of my furniture has disappeared. My TV and consoles are gone. My kitchen doesn't have any knives or forks in it. All the pills are gone from my bathroom.

Did I do this? I don't remember...

1:09 AM, Monday, June 21st

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I had the dream again. Please God let it be a dream. Fuck. My ahnds are shaking.

I remember getting up from my bed. My eyes were wide open, and everything looked so real. I couldn't control anything that was happening - like I could just watch things unfold in front of my eyes. I got dressed and went outside. It was freezing cold. I've never had a dream feel this cold.

I walked, and walked, and walked. I walked into a part of the city I had never seen before. I didn't know where I was, but my legs just kept moving. I ended up in a trash-filled alley between two old buildings, with an unmarked door. My hand grabs the handle and opens it. I can't see anything inside. There are stairs that go down, and another door. Everything around me is pitch black, but I hear familiar voices. I know these voices, but I can't understand them, like my brain can't process language.

They put something in my hands, and I immediately recognize it - it's that knife. THAT knife. They guide me towards something, and feel it move in front of me, like it's struggling. My hands lift up.

Fck.

I'm screaming internally, begging myself to wake up, stop, anything. My arms swing down, hard, and something hot and wet splashes all over me. My arms repeat the motion a few more times, and the thing stops moving.

This is a dream. I'm not writing this. I'm not talking about this. This didn't happen. It's a nightmare. I need to

8:48 PM, Sunday, June 27th

The dreams are getting more intense. Every night it's the same, but in a different place, with a different person. Some of them I recognize. Some of them I don't.

I tried setting alarms on my phone. Every hour an alarm goes off. It doesn't work. It doesn't wake me up.

I tried drinking coffee to stay awake. It just made the dreams more vivid. I can barely tell when I'm asleep or awake anymore. The dream always ends with me walking home, to my apartment. Sometimes it even ends with me laying in bed.

2:05 AM, Monday, June 28th

I can't move my right arm anymore. It still moves, but I'm not the one moving it. It just does whatever it wants. Most of the time it just stays limp at my side.

I can't sleep. Arm moves whenever I try to fall asleep.

Am I dead? Am I dreaming? What did I do to deserve this?

4:34 AM, Tuesday, June 29th

Rent due tmrrow. Still cant move right arm. Can still feel evrything it does. Left arm is going numb sometmes too.

dont wanna type. want to sleep. whole body hurts. fuck.

2:77 AM, Wednesday, June 30th

I saw it.

Oh god, I SAW IT.

It wasn't a dream. I saw the whole thing.

That same feeling that was moving my arm started moving my legs, and I got up, and I walked out, and I...

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY. I HATE MYSELF. SORRY. SORRY. SORRY...