in the interview, i was bitched to about former employees (using their full names), told one of them stole her client, and told that she’s had multiple people in this role for five months and had to let them all go. this was red flag after red flag, but the job was close to home, a huge pay rise and she asked me to take it on the spot. so i ignored the red flags and said yes.

on my first day, she handed me two days worth of work (on a friday) and told me to get started. no induction, no intro to the team. i dived in, got everything finished and did my best to understand her internal systems.

on my second day (monday) i asked her where a file was stored in the company server. she said “as i said in the meeting, it’s in this folder. you really need to go through the server and get across this.” for the record, this was a different file than the one i had asked for in the meeting. i could feel the condescension in her tone, but i tried to brush it off and told myself i was being oversensitive.

that night, we had a meeting with a client. they shot down her idea and told her it wasn’t in accordance with their brand. i got to work putting together a new concept for the job we were pitching for.

tuesday, she walked over to my desk and asked what i was doing. i tried to explain to her the concept i was developing (with a full weekend of in-depth research about the client and their brand identity under my belt). she shut me down without letting me explain, told me to go with the original proposal and sent me to work.

that afternoon, i heard her chastising the external IT person and hanging up on him. she then bitched about him to all of us. i kept pushing the feeling down. but my anxiety was starting to get the better of me.

i was now in a position where she was simultaneously micromanaging me and being extremely vague, blaming me for not being able to fill in the gaps. i was working extra hours to pull together what she wanted, while understanding it was not what the client wanted. “it’s just you,” i kept telling myself, “you’re taking this too personally. you’re overreacting. just do what she’s asking.”

finally, we get to friday last week. one week on the job. she shit on my entire proposal (which was done in complete alignment with what she had asked for - not what i personally would have pitched), and kept asking me condescending questions like “why do you think we do this?” “…because we want the client to sign off.” “exactly. and do you think the client will sign off on this?”

i could feel the tears coming. i excused myself, went to the bathroom, composed myself and came back to the desk.

“i think that when you come from corporate, you can just shove anything you want into a proposal. but in luxury, you need to consider the client and what they want.”

i stewed on that one for a second. i knew i had years of experience. i could do this job. i knew what the client wanted, i knew how to deliver the project. i had been at an international agency with clients across multiple industries, including luxury brands. and she was treating me like an idiot, disregarding all of my prior experience.

i couldn’t hold it in anymore. it all came rushing out. i tried to stop it, but i just couldn’t. i started fucking crying.

she asked me what was wrong. i said, “i feel like you’re speaking to me like you think i’m stupid.” she said she was sorry i felt that that way. i excused myself, had a panic attack, called my psychiatrist, told him i wanted to run. he told me to get my shit together, go back inside and apologise, assert myself and get back to work. so, i did.

so there i was. a fully grown, experienced professional at a team lunch, feeling like a small child. you know who else was at the team lunch? one of the former employees she had openly bitched about - using her full name - who had ‘stolen’ a former client. she had invited her so she could grill her about her most recent project.

that afternoon, the client postponed the project because it didn’t align with their brand.

my weekend was a shitshow. i felt like a crazy person. gaslighting my own emotions, dreading monday.

i walked into the office this morning and was immediately let go. i actually felt relieved.

i recognise my own part in all of this. i let my emotions get the better of me and i didn’t speak up for myself. instead of asserting my needs, i kept it all in and stewed in the anxiety until it became too much.

that being said, i am also relieved. i don’t know what shape the box was that she wants her employees to fit, but there’s no way i could contort myself and squeeze inside. i’m not sure many could; clearly, there’s been a few before me who couldn’t fit the mould either.

if your gut is telling you something is wrong, please listen. don’t downplay your own experiences. if you feel like you’re being treated like shit, then you’re probably being treated like shit.

back to the drawing board.