Idk where to start but i need to vent and get other people's opinions.

He was my 1st relationship, 1st kiss, and i lost my virginity to him.

We met almost 2 years ago on tinder and talked for 3 months even saying i love you before even meeting. I have selective mutism and being around people makes me freeze up so it's hard for me to meet people. We met 3 months after talking. Things were amazing. 100% honesty between us. We lived 2 hours apart though so we saw each other about every other weekend. I came out of my shell to him eventually and I wanted to cuddle more and kiss more and i finally got to a point where i could open up to him and he was always there for me with a kind heart when i did open up. Any time we had any problems we'd talk them out and never fought about anything. He told me that I'm the 1st person he was able to fully trust 100% besides his mom. He eventually was able to put his wallet on my dresser and he said was a big step for him cause he's had trust issues with ppl b4.

But..as time went on he's wanting sex less and less. I would ask after a long time of not doing it but he was never in the mood. It kinda bothered me but i never made a big deal about it. We did talk about it and he said he didn't know why he wasn't in the mood at all anymore. He said it's not because he's not attracted to me or that I'm bad at it he just never felt like it. He said he's used to change and new people because I'm the 1st person he decided to start settling down with instead of just fooling around with. He has always enjoyed time to himself which I'm all for. The more comfortable i got the more i wanted to kiss and cuddle and he said i was wanting it to often and i was starting to get a little clingy. He was my 1st love so i kept getting lost in the moment and did it without thinking about it. I even stopped a few times and thought i was being a bit much but i couldn't help it.

A few months go by and everything's still going great minus sex and i bring up opening up our relationship. He didn't seem to like the idea at 1st but eventually agreed a few months later and we tried it out. I talked to a few people but nothing ever happened. He talked to a few people and became good friends with one guy but nothing else. Somewhere in the middle of it he told me he hadn't been as in love with me as when we met. My love was just as strong as the day we met so it worried me. Then one day he had a one night stand which is what i was okay with. He was about to close it and he only wanted to be with me but he wanted a few days to think more about it but then he met someone. I wanted to close it but he really liked the guy he met online so we kept it open. I eventually found out he hadn't told the guy he was already in a relationship and that the guy was wanting a relationship. I tell him that I'm not ok with him keeping that a secret and i did not want to start a polly relationship. It was only supposed to be one night stands and at the most fwb. He refused to tell the guy and kept telling me if it didn't work out with him then he would close it. He said it was too late to tell the guy cause he waited to long and he thought the guy would want nothing to do with him after telling him.

We went to visit my family in a different state for a couple weeks and he met the rest of my family. We had a really good time. We stayed at my mom's house. After she went to bed one night I ended up crying to him about wanting to close it and he said this had been making him more happy being with us both. He said he's noticed he wasn't that happy with just me after he thought a 2nd time about closing the relationship. He told me that he realized a few months ago he didn't want to lose me, but his feelings weren't as strong as they used to be. He said they came and went but weren't there enough.

We get back to my house and have a good week and i get invited to go to his sister's wedding. At this point i only met his mom once cause i have dogs and no car so he was mostly at my house. He doesn't have a good relationship with most of his family so this was the only chance i had to meet more of his family. I got to meet his sister, brother, 2 cousins and his aunt.

We get back home and he stays a few days and tells me that when he leaves he was going to meet that guy he's been talking to for a while and stay there the weekend. I think I'm fine with it up until he gets there. Then I'm messaging him the next day saying I'm not ok with it and him being there bothered me and that he needed to tell the guy about me. He said he liked the guy and was having fun. I was a mess that weekend and on Monday the day he was supposed to leave he stayed there another night. And the next morning he wasn't leaving either so i called him crying saying him being there upset me and i couldn't handle him seeing someone else and not telling them he already has a boyfriend. He said he couldn't take it anymore and said he couldn't drag me along like that anymore. He said the feelings have been off and on for 6 months and it wasn't consistent enough he felt like to stay together. He said the feelings that i had for him, he has for this new guy. It hurt like hell to hear that. He said he's been happier since he's been there and he started crying. He said he felt so shitty for how he's handled everything. He cried saying he really liked this guy and didn't expect it to happen. He was asking if i wanted the teddy bear back that i gave him for valentines day and I told him to keep it. He agreed to stay friends with me and come over still which softened the blow. He also called me the next day to make sure i was ok and talked to me for a bit which made that day better. He's been checking in on me every few days to make sure I'm ok and apologizing a lot.

He sent me a text saying i was an amazing boyfriend and i was the best he ever had so much so that he thinks we'll get back together one day but he needs time to figure stuff out. I've been told I'm making a mistake staying friends but i don't care. I want him in my life no matter what. I can be ok with being friends eventually. Either way i need to wait about a month for him to afford a trip by me so i have time to heal before he comes over. He told me when he got back to his house he was looking around and got sad after seeing all the stuff i got him while we were together and started to miss me but he wants to see what happens with this guy. My brother's in town and keeping me company but i can't get him out of my head.

We talked and i admitted that I was too clingy and he admitted he shoulda put more effort into the relationship instead of looking for new people. If we do get back together it will 100% be just me and him. No more open relationships. Sorry about the long post. Had to get this out.