Im an overweight 24 year old man with nothing to show for myself, for 24 years ive done nothing but be lazy, undisciplined, sloppy, unhappy, unmotivated, but why?

Because it’s easy to be that way? Because it’s comfortable? Because im alone? Because i lost a parent? Because it hurts too much? Because im tired? Im tired of being like this, I look at myself and think, “wow what the fuck am I doing, im gonna die by the time im 40 living like this.”

I want to change and ive been trying to this entire year and its been a struggle, from starting working out for a week to quitting for a few days, then starting again, gaining motivation and losing it, i keep failing at what i want to do, and feel like im not doing enough, but still I repeat the same cycle.

A flip has switched in my head, but not the one that needs to, i know i can be better and I know to get success, failure is a part of the journey, despite this i still beat myself up for failing, i still stay lazy, why?

The answer to that is not something singular and can’t be answered in a few words, to be honest im not really sure why, but i will keep trying and failing because i know what I want and i wont stop until i get it, and im sure a lot of people have been in my situation or is in my situation, I just have to keep trying no matter how many times i fall, i have to get back up, why do i have to get back up?

Im not really sure myself. what is truly driving me? Is it the disgust when i look in the mirror? Is it the pain i went through to get to this point? Is it the feeling that im not good enough? Why do i have to have a purpose? I know who i am and mostly know why i do the things that i do and have done.

People don’t really like me because to them i look different and ugly, but I don’t care about that, even so I don’t want to be alone, but i feel alone most of the time, and that scares me, I want to break free from these shackles that bind me.

For some reason no matter how hurt i get, its still hard to find what i need to keep going, these are my thoughts everyday, i want to find the beast inside me, i know its there and one day ill dig deep enough, but no matter what i wont stop trying, even when i fail, even though I don’t truly know the real reason or purpose i keep getting back up