Hi,

It’s only been 4 days since I packed my car and drove back to our hometown, but it feels like just yesterday we were laughing at some dumb remark I made while a commercial was running in the background. I hope you’re doing ok. I know I feel like I’m doing okay through out the day but once it starts getting late our relationship starts to play like it’s on a projector in my head.

I should have left at the first sign of red flags. The first year we were together I found you asking and paying for nudes from other women. You complained about paying for us when we went out but you were sending one of the women you were flirting with $20-$30 every week for “coffee”. I asked you if you were even ready to commit to a relationship, because if you were not then we would have to stop whatever we were doing. Then I found out you were flirting with some woman on Snapchat and another on Instagram. The day you were moving to California I found out you were once again paying for nudes, even after you cried on your knees and asked for forgiveness. I took time off of work to go with you so you wouldn’t have to take this step alone. I almost walked out that morning, and maybe I should have.

From the start you told me you didn’t want to be responsible or deal with my healing/mental health. I accepted it. You told me you didn’t always want to have to hang out with me. I accepted it. You told me that you shouldn’t have to talk to me every day. I accepted that too. I compromised all of my needs to make sure you were comfortable with our relationship.

Eventually, I moved out to California with you. I didn’t want to do long distance because of my last relationship and all of the cheating there, plus after everything I found I didn’t trust you. I wanted to give this relationship a chance. You told me you would only be comfortable with me living there as long as I paid half of everything. I tried my best even though you were making 85k a year and I was only making half of that. I started drowning, taking out loans just go stay afloat.

I could never tell you about my hard days at work because you would then tell me “your always having bad days, it’s always about you”. I couldn’t tell you when my depression was holding me under water and I was just looking for your hand to guide me through. You always argued that you always felt like the adult. Although I was the one cleaning the bathroom and kitchen every weekend. Cooking you dinner every night. Making lists for groceries for your stomach problems. But I forgot to write something we were missing on the board, or forget to pick up cleaning supplies and all of a sudden I didn’t care about our home.

At the end of it I didn’t feel wanted, I didn’t feel loved, I felt like no matter how much I did for us you would only point out what I didn’t do. I felt like my needs weren’t important. I just wanted to feel loved by you.

It’s weird because I know this relationship was hurting me but when I really think about it I wonder if you were the one and maybe I just didn’t try hard enough. What if I never find someone who is like you? What if you were supposed to be it?

I’m trying to forgive myself for abandoning me to try to meet your needs. But… I love you and I don’t know if this will come along for me again.

xxxx