I looked up to you. You thought me how to be strong. You thought me discipline. You were a father figure and at the same time, a friend. When I left the team to pursue other things, we remained friends. We still see each other often, catch up over a cup of coffee or a bottle of ice-cold beer. We would talk about my studies, your team, my teammates. We would talk about the things you did and accomplished. I looked up to you.

Until that night 13 years ago. You did, or rather attempt, something I never thought you could do. Who would believe me right? I kept my mouth shut. I suppressed it to the back of my mind. It's a trauma that somehow still resurface no matter how hard I try to hide.

I know you saw me 5 years later, but pretended like you didn't. Do you remember what you did? I bet you don't even realise the gravity of it all.

And now, as messages of sadness poured in social media for your death, I see friends and family who respected you. Who, like me, looked up to you. There's a tight feeling in my chest coz somehow, after all these years, I am still waiting for an apology.

To you, AMS, rest in peace.