Growing up was confusing, my mother was a baby Boomer from the south. My dad was generation x from a third world country. They were extremely religious and raised kids through misconceptions they raised from. Having gender dsyporhia since i was young, led to standing out and being labeled an outcast by friends, family, community,etc. So i went though different fazes since i wasn't able to be me. I tried painting my picture with other people's paintbrushes. So with that being said this is a NSFW post. I started off with good intentions but with the community i was around. I was pretty fucked as a kid.( So there maybe controversial subject matter if you're not comfortable, or not doing well. Maybe don't read this post. Mental health is wealth and you gotta protect your self worth at all times😊. Ok enough on to the text😅.)

I was raised really extremely homophobic/machismo environment. Plus my friends and community i had in the early 00's wasn't really open minded. I was soft growing up, but other kids bullied me from being soft. Assuming i was gay. Told my parents they told me it was a sin, saying anyone who is queer is basically dying in a lake fire forever. Being a lil kid that scared the shit outta me. I tried so hard to be a tough(it didn't work 😭). Starting slanging gay slurs to disprove the notion i was queer in any sense. Said offensive words like "no h*mo"and "pause"anytime i did anything that doesn't ok as a male. Even years later as a teen realizing i was different i pushed and even had a intervention with my mom. Where she and i tried to pray away when i was 16(I think when i did that, i felt like i ended up gayer before i became trans lol). I honestly tried my honest to be "cis and straight". Follow all the guidelines and prerequisites as a "Christian"male and the regular assumptions that i had to follow though. But the more i follow the "guidelines" it felt like i was lying and i had a moment where i thought while having a panic attack while realizing later on who i was. I had thought process that was basically "even if did everything expected as a Christian male, resist who i am, even tho i know who i am, and I'm lying as a front. Would i still be allowed in heaven even if I'm lying for my religion? Cause I'm my heart i truly believe in my heart that i always felt i was a girl. It's confusing to understand and honestly 17 months later. It's a shock. Especially cause Transphobes act like it's a trend. Like once you get hrt and a fucking tax write off 🙄. When i started transitioning i had to hide out from my parents and old friends got out of my old house. Lived with the only two friends i had who were truly accepting and sweet and went though the motions. 97% of the people i had in the past aren't in my life now. Even for my parents it's funny i was depressed and suicidal for years. To the point where i wished at times my mom would have an abortion.(My parent's are pro life, now they're not in my life😭) To them I'm not more than a walking sin or freak. But honestly i feel way happier now then i have ever felt. Plus not to push religion or anything. But i truly believe in my heart I'm a girl. Plus with all my years being christian i always felt i was doing the right thing mentally. But emotionally it all felt fake.i won't say i have any particular religion, but i still have my belief in God. Idk how to explain it, but i caught blessing, second chances. Where the probability of a good outcome being sorry low. Plus i was a crash test dummy when i was younger. Since i didn't have anyone in my life, i figured things out on my home. I'm not a fade or a trend. I'm human. Even as a trans women i don't feel better or less than any cis women. I feel different. Like a women just unique in a way. Plus I'm cool with that ❤️

(If i made any mistakes I'm sorry, I'm on mobile)