I (F21) have a decent relationship with my mom and considering what i know about her i dont know if I should. It should be noted that i have a bad relationship with my older sister; my relationship with her is relevant to this.

When I was growing up I just knew that my parents were divorced. Earliest I can remember they had shared custody, then when I was a little older (maybe 7 or 8) they went to court again and my dad got full custody.

We ended up moving to a different state, so I couldn't see my mom very often. But we would talk over my phone pretty often, and over a few years I realized that my mother had a mental disorder of some kind that she wasn't getting treatment for. As of right now it's pretty clear that it's paranoid schizophrenia, but it was never officially diagnosed. Her main symptoms are delusions.

Her delusions make it hard to talk to her. Her's are about her being abducted by terrorists and getting a monetary reimbursement from the government and that preventing her from being in the US (my parents are immigrants and she had to move back to her country of origin due to her getting evicted for not paying her bills; she believes it was terrorists that hijacked her accounts). She also constantly hates on my dad, saying that he was against her and refused to believe her and she sometimes says he was in on it when she's riled up. This is hard to hear because I know it's false, but I can't tell someone with delusions that cause they truly believe that's the case. I also don't appreciate her hating on my dad so much.

But it's so clear that she loves me and my sister. The whole monetary reimbursement delusion is so that she'd be able to take care of us again. And my sister and I recently both got similar health issues and her delusions made her think she had medical knowledge so she could help us. Which makes me feel incredibly guilty that I'm even having this thought.

The reason I have issues is that the way my mom treated my dad was exactly how my sister treated me.

My sister, for our entire lives, emotionally and verbally abused me, as well as gaslighting and manipulating me. She sparked my low self esteem and body image issues. She bullied me, putting me down constantly to bring herself up. And she made me feel guilty if I tried to not hang out with her because of it. I realized at the beginning of the pandemic and cut her out of my life, but because we're both supported by my dad I still have to interact with her (we're civil currently but it frustrates me that she's tried to build a better relationship with everyone in the family but me).

Well I found out from my dad that when my parents dated in college, my mother emotionally abused and manipulated him too. Possibly due to her at the time unknown schizophrenia (though i don't believe so due to her personality) she would constantly ask him where he was and demand that they were constantly together. One time she lent him her motorcycle, then called and asked where he was and when he said he was out with friends, she threatened to call the police and claim he stole it if he didn't return to her.

It got worse even after they had kids. When I was an infant I was staying with my mom and my sister was staying with my dad (they worked in different cities). My paternal grandmother came to stay for a few months, and my mother and paternal grandfather kidnapped my sister to their country of origin until my grandmother left. When my parents were separated when I was 3 or 4, my mom kidnapped us and refused to let our father see us. He called constantly and resolved to file for divorce when my sister picked up one time crying and saying that mom was being bad for not letting us see him.

Apparently my dad got full custody at first, but my maternal grandparents made my mom take medication to which the judge allowed shared custody. She stopped, and my dad got full custody again.

I don't know how to feel. I'm so upset at myself for being so naive to this my entire life while my sister was aware of it on her own. My mom loves me so much, but she did so many bad things. Should i excuse them? My sister treated me horribly and I feel so much pain from it. How can I love my mother when she did the same things? I cut my sister out of my life for doing those. Isn't it unfair to let my mom stay simply because she didn't do those to me? But I don't know if my sister loves me. I definitely know my mom does. Is that enough?

I don't really expect advice or anything, I just felt so guilty that I needed to get it out. I probably will stay in my current situation anyway. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

TL;DR: My mother emotionally abused my father, and I feel like I shouldn't maintain a relationship with her because it feels unfair that I cut my sister out of my life for emotionally abusing me but keeping my relationship with my mother despite them doing the same thing, and I feel guilty for feeling this way because i know my mother loves me so much.