Why does God have existence set up like a cruel joke where we have to live with this stupid, painful void that nothing fills? I’ve scoured the Bible and read it and heard it over and over again my whole life and every part of scripture just points to God enjoying that we’re in pain constantly, splitting our brains to try to fight off our own nature while clawing for connection to a being who does not speak nor eases the emptiness.

I’m supposed to love this being and if I don’t I’m sentenced to damnation. Before you bombard me with it, yes I’ve read Job, multiple times. I know the whole speech, we’re not worthy to question God and all that.

But why doesn’t he just kill us already? Or at least get rid of people like me who have tried and tried again only to find dead end after dead end in the Bible? People He just refuses to communicate with or heal or fix.

I didn’t ask to be exposed to porn at 11. I didn’t ask to be sexually violated and betrayed by my parents at a young age. I didn’t ask for suicidal thoughts or self harm scars. I want a way out from this pain, and all God has ended up being is a dead end.