I’m looking for suggestions on how to overcome the mental aspect of performance anxiety beyond the typical suggestions. We’ve had two soft swap experiences where I could only muster a slight hint of an erection. Both times I struggled with the other wife and then went back to my wife and still struggled. I’m frankly embarrassed and disappointed.

Background - Alcohol - Both times I had 3 drinks in the 3-4 hours before play time. By the time we played I felt stone sober so I don’t think alcohol was a factor.

ED meds - I used Viagra first time. Cialis second time. Both times when we got home an hour later I was hard as a rock.

Health - I’m early 40s and very fit. Just had a full physical with flying colors. Testosterone levels are in the high range (~900 for those familiar) on low t treatment. I don’t think physical health is an issue.

Emotional - I can point at zero negative feelings coming out of either experience (besides the performance issues). I really liked both couples, found each wife very attractive, LOVED watching my wife with the other husband and wife. Both other husbands were super respectful and perfect gentleman with my wife. I can confidently say we had a really fun time, want to play with both couples again, and both want to continue in the LS in general.

Environment - both times were at a club in a private room same bed with the door closed, so very little outside distractions besides some occasional moaning.

So from what I can tell this feels like completely in my head. Maybe sensory overload. It is beyond frustrating as I feel like I’m letting my wife and the other wives down. The lack of erection is a physical indication that is the exact opposite of what I’m feeling in my head which is only enjoyment. So frustrating.

At this stage the idea of going to full swap and using condoms seems like an impossible task. We aren’t there yet but it’s something we want to do. We are frankly staying soft swap for now due to my performance issues.

The only ideas we’ve come up with are: - Go to a club just the two of us and go play in the back just us but in the environment to see how that goes. It feels like a step back but could still be fun. - have another drink or two - nerves seem to be a real issue (I could feel my heart pounding at times on both occasions). Seems counter to common advice but worth trying as not sure it could get worse.
- try play in another environment (hotel or our house)

I am absolutely in my head on this. Once things start to go south in the moment it is all my mind can focus on and recovering in the moment becomes impossible (or at least it feels that way).

Has anyone tried anything else? Mental exercises? Therapy? Any LS-friendly online therapists?