29F, I’m poly but also interested in swinger-type escapades on occasion. I have a partner, but they’re ace and uninterested in the lifestyle so I usually go to lifestyle clubs as a single woman.

I used to go to the clubs more often in my early 20s, but I’m busier these days and not as frequently into swinging. But I still really enjoy the bigger parties/events, so I usually go to those once a year or so!

Something that’s bothered me the last few times I went, is despite being friendly and outgoing, people weren’t really talking to me or my friends (all solo Fs). Or they’d quickly chat, but then walk away.

I’ve figured it’s all good, not everyone’s gonna be into me even if I’m considered a “unicorn”. Some couples just want couples, or they were planning on meeting friends there etc. No problem there.

The issue is, the club I attend has a website that people can RSVP on, and make mini profiles with photos and what they’re looking for. Every time I’ve gone to the club, like clockwork the next day, I have multiple messages from couples saying they saw me or talked to me at the club and are interested.

The reason I find this slightly discouraging is because, I’m not as actively “in the lifestyle” and so when I go to these events… I want to socialize AT the event. I don’t mind if I click with a person/couple getting their # (or some other social) for later… but when I go to these bigger events, what I’m hoping to get is some flirting and mingling AT the event.

Part of my enthusiasm is tempered when I get those messages, because I’m attracted to confidence and sometimes I feel like the LS lacks some rizz. I get that people are shy and sometimes intimidated, but I try to be open and friendly and even then, it seems like I have to be “active” in the lifestyle to occasionally enjoy it.

The other part of it is probably expectations vs reality, I’ll admit I go into these situations as a 🦄 looking to feel desired. I’m not a supermodel, but I’m fit and conventionally attractive. I don’t struggle getting attention at regular bars, but at lifestyle clubs it feels like I have to put in mostly all the effort… which runs very counter to the “everyone will be throwing themselves at you” narrative people often say about us 😂

Any tips on how to make the most of the bigger events I go to, and to get people to flirt with me at the event instead of after?