i’m a 21 year old male studying psychology. i live in a suburb in pennsylvania.

i feel very disconnected from everything and everyone. it’s a strange, almost indescribable feeling. i often feel like i’m not close with anyone. the person i’m probably closest with is my mother. i have a best friend, and many work “friends,” but the problem with all of my relationships seems to be that they never go deeper than the surface level. either i or the other party or both only does the bare minimum to keep these relationships going. i only really talk to my parents because i still live with them. the majority of my friendships are a “hey how are you” catch-up text every few weeks. my work friends are just that, coworkers that i get along with, not much more.

i hate to sound like an incel here or that i’m complaining. i’m not trying to be whiny, i understand that friendships and relationships require effort.

i’ve always longed for a male companion. my father wasn’t emotionally supportive growing up. he didn’t like me as a kid or show me any affection. to be fair, i suffered from an undiagnosed mental illness so i did act out quite a bit. as a kid and teen i had very few male friends. i didn’t have a boyfriend until i was 20. he’s gone now. before then i had a few situationships with men double my age (or more) i met on Grindr who just wanted me for sex. i feel so pathetic. no man has ever found interest in me and kept it, save for the therapist i pay to do so.

when i’m around other people, i feel so bizarre. i feel like an alien trying to blend in with humans, like i can play the part but don’t quite understand the language. everyone else just seems so successful and like they have a purpose. they have jobs, relationships, family. they’ve moved on from the shitty towns they grew up in. but i’m still here.

enough rambling. i’m sure you can infer that i have some suicidal tendencies. i used to self harm as a teen. i was binge drinking for a hot minute, too.

but i’m too scared to kill myself. i can’t do it. what if it doesn’t work. what if i fail and i have to live the rest of my life as a vegetable.

so, i want someone to kill me. i’m not sure how to go about it. ideally i would find a handsome man with some murderous tendencies who could drug me (i’d rather not feel any pain) and kill me. then to be honest he can do whatever he wants with my body. i don’t care. fuck it, chop it up, eat it, idgaf.

there’s nothing for me here. there’s no place for me in this world. i’ve lived 21 years on this earth and have almost nothing to show for it. i’m alone, i’m mentally ill and i’m a lazy procrastinator who constantly avoids exercising, eating healthy and studying. i do want to help people, i want to be a counselor, but i’m afraid due to my laziness and failure to be a diligent student i may never achieve those goals. so, i think the easier way out would be to be someone’s murder victim. THEN i’d have a purpose. i’d be fulfilling somebody’s wish. i’d finally be doing something for someone. after all, there are millions of people in the world, one less lazy loser like me won’t be missed. i really think that i was born for this. this isn’t some sort of fetish thing either, if that’s what you were thinking. i hate violence. however, dying in someone’s (preferably a handsome man) arms and helping him fufill some sort of fantasy he has in doing so does sound really romantic and a great way to go out. like i said, i’d be serving a purpose. i wouldn’t be sitting around just trying to get by anymore.

just gotta find that guy.