I just want to die or numb my pain . My stool is black because I haven't been eating or eating horrible and having diarrhea on a daily basis. I'm out of work my mom doesn't know and expects me to be around and help my terminally ill grandpa because she's a single mom. I wasn't feeling good and I'm trying to nap but she thinks I'm being lazy, saying I don't care about the family and how she was out all day doing errands. I just feel guilty and depressed. Everytime I try suicide I never die but I hate it I just want to be successful. I can't and don't understand people they're like maggots . I hate others and just want to be dead or far far away from Texas. I have no friends , no family I'm close to or trust. I've been in and out outpatient but no help. And can't afford DBT therapy. I feel like I have BPD because many other things I can't explain rn. I just wish suicide was easier and I wasn't forced to deal with people .