My (only) brother, who is older, killed himself in March 2018. We were close, especially towards the end. I tried everything to help him. He had decided he was going to do it, made a plan, and just did it. I tried so many times to save him and this time I couldn't. I still can't really talk about it (read: can't talk about it at all).

He was 34 when he died (about 6 weeks from his 35 birthday). He's always been 3 years older. This will be the year that I'll hit his age. Since he died, I haven't celebrated my birthday. I've actively avoided it where i can. At home, I tell my mum and friends that we're doing nothing. They're not great at respecting that and I've spent hte last 2 years having arguments with people on my birthday because they say "oh happy birthday" and i completely lose it.

Like, I literally feel like... physical pain from this entire thing. My heart physically aches at the thought of the fact that I'll be his age. He's always been my older brother. 3 years older, always. And say, next year? I'll be 35? God, aging past him?

I keep the work persona on though. At work, people see me as super lively and bubbly and I love celebrating other peoples birthdays at work. So at work, they do big things for mine as a "thank you" and I indulge it. It's good positive team spirit so I keep the mask on and just let it happen. However, I am very on edge in my personal life (outside of work).

We're all working from home now, and my mum is shielding because she's at risk. So, we've all agreed that she can come over and we'll have takeaway but my mum is under strict instruction NOT to do anything for my birthday. She apparently asked if she could put a candle on a pastry (to my friend) and he was like "no fucking way, not one mention of anything". I really need to be strong and make sure I don't get set off.

However, I was thinking, as much as I don't want to, should i just fake it for my mum like I do at work? Do I let her do a candle on a pastry or something small? I was thinking maybe it's good for her, despite the fact that i'm completely dead inside and this is absolutely killing me. I know it's my choice but either way it's going to be really hard. But she only has one child left now, and that's me And maybe it's importnat to her to celebrate birthdays now? I don't know.

What should i do? Should i fake celebrate for my mum?