So I've been back at it for a little over 8 years.... Started back up after a 12 year clean run.... During 12 years never completely clean but was just drinking & smoking weed.... But off of meth for 12 years.... Kinda had opportunity one night to do it and decided to.... I haven't been able to stop since.... 1st time around i was using it basically just to party.... not reliant at all.... Just really fun, and lowered our inhibitions.... made for super fun "Naked Nights" with my wife..... Every Saturday night, we'd get naked and play.... ultimately ended up fucking each other silly... but not before hours of play.... So I'm working one evening with my best friend and I get a message from my wife.... Can you talk? I replied.... In bout 20 minutes we'll be packing up, and heading back.... is that okay or you need now? She said it was ok.... so on my way home, I message her that I can talk, and she called.... I said What's up Babe? She said simply.... Daddy, I'm pregnant and it's either me & the baby or the dope.... it can no longer be both.... Startled.... I said Pregnant? She confirmed, and I said done.... gotta send a couple messages, we'll talk more when I get there.... I immediately called best friend & smoking partner and said.... I gotta quit... Wifey's pregnant and she said I had to choose... I chose Daddy.... if you ain't ready to quit, I can't fuck with ya for a bit, til dust settles..., That motherfucker said meet me at garage.... I did.... He said.... Okay.... if you gotta quit, I want your friendship, let's finish what we have right now.... it was less than 🎱... After we took last hits... we proceeded to dig every pipe outta every hiding spot & smashed em.... threw em against walls, floor, sledge hammer.... Til all gone... And for 12 years I was out of it.... I got back in.... he never did.... now we don't talk.... (makes me sad) that was 20-ish years ago.... Now I want to quit again, but it's not the same at all.... I began as a party smoker again.... life happened and I started smoking Lil more often.... Til I found myself in severe depression, which almost drove me to suicide.... around 15 months of depression.... Usage increased Til I was able to leave my bedroom again.... So now I am a full blown addict terrified to quit because fear of depression, still have problems in life too.... That I know meth ain't helping, but able to get through it at least..... So I think I need to identify why I'm addicted, I think I don't wanna deal with some things.... but I don't even know where to begin to find what's making me an addict.... but I believe once I figure that out and deal with whatever I need to, that the addiction just dies.... once you take away it's food, it can't survive.... so I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions on building a path or finding one that will lead me to my reasons?