So I was smoking some soda with my friend and I also had a little bit of ice as well. The binge made me way more paranoid than usual for some reason, and the comedown was even worse. I spent Literally two hours bedridden and barely conscious morning and I had to get my friend to make me breakfast and help me get out of bed because I was so damn exhausted, when usually after a day and a half, I’m just feeling a little exhausted, irritable and unfocused. But lately since like the beginning/middle of the month binges have made me feel much worse, even just ice alone is giving me a lot more paranoia a lot faster, even taking a week long T break hasn’t done much to abate it and actually makes it worse in some respects.

I tried to take a small bit this morning through boofing to see if I could help focus and replace my adderall temporarily (delays with my doctor means I haven’t had any to take daily in a while), but for some reason, all it’s giving me is just a sense of impending dooom and mania, and I’m not getting much focus.

Usually soda as well doesn’t make me paranoid either, it just tends to make me kinda hyper for a few hours and that’s it. I don’t use it too often either, just having small amounts with friends here and there.

I don’t know if it’s sleep deprivation or stress causing it either, because sleep deprivation could maybe be it, but if it was, why wouldn’t it be happening more often cause most of my binges last more than a day? And why would the dread be setting in faster as well? The dread usually takes until at least the second day to kick in, but lately it happens after like an hour or two for some reason. ROA doesn’t really matter either, they all cause the same paranoia regardless.

It could be stress though, because I’ve been having to put a lot of work into trying to make it in the music industry, keep up with friends, and plus the fact that I’m short on money and my vacation plans for my birthday have recently fallen through as well. Not to mention my birthday is coming up as well but I’ve been too busy with work and personal life to really come up with a plan or location or whatever, and that’s been stressing me out and giving me an existential crisis, so maybe that’s it? Not to mention my gender dysphoria is getting hella rampant and I’ve been a hermit for a while because of it, that could be a factor as well I reckon.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? It feels like I’m kinda zombified after as well, like I can talk and function, but like my creative side of the brain is inactive for a while for some reason. Like I can maybe play simple video games and understand videos I watch, but things like doing my makeup and composing are something I can’t do without being medicated for ADHD (for the most part). Usually I feel a little hungover and lethargic/emotional for a couple days after a bender, but to be so hungover I can barely get outta bed and still having deep paranoia and aches is hella wieird. My brain usually gets hyperfixated as well, and I still kinda did, but I had paranoia and brain fog even during that; for example, I’m usually quite astute about proper names, but when I looked at my instrument samples I had called a cymbal as a “smash drum” & a kick drum a “boom noise”, also forgot Asriel’s name and I was like “oh cool it’s that white demon kid” and I literally spent hours looking up “demon anime” and other variations thereof because I forgot what Hazbin Hotel was for a few hours. Usually I have pretty good literary memory and a nerd so this is really out of character and even my homie was like “what happened” and I told him “I’m haven a fever” (which was true, but not from sickness) and luckily he was hundrrstanding.

I think for now, the best thing I can do is try to relax, listen to some good music, eat a bit more than usual, call my doctor for a refill, and then get some rest. I know at minimum that I have been Hella dehydrated, so I will hydrate a bit more to see if it clears up, cause it might be the reason why my comedown is crap. It’s either that or the mixer I had last night, wasn’t much, but I’m only 130 pounds so maybe it potentials the bad shit a lot more… we’ll see I guess…. In the meantime im getting some rest. See y’all later.