My skin care journey started when I was 15. At that time, I started noticing a smattering of acne, but nothing too severe. It was just those little flesh-colored bumps. I remember the moment I saw my reflection in a window and being horrified that I had acne. If I only knew what was to come.

Those flesh-colored bumps quickly turned into severe cystic acne. My whole face was angry and red. Every pore I had was clogged. It was all down my neck, and my back was also covered in it. I looked like a burn victim. I remember being at a dermatologists office once, and she had a poster on the wall. It featured photographs of patients with the most severe acne, with each photo getting progressively worse. The dermatologist pointed at the poster and said, "You're only here, so it's not that bad!" Gee. How validating.

From 15 to about 30, I tried everything. I knew I needed Accutane. But either my dermatologist wouldn't prescribe it or my mom didn't want to pay for it. Later on in life, I was uninsured and couldn't afford it, nor did I have transportation. (Accutane requires 2 forms of birth control and monthly pregnancy tests, bloodwork, and appointments, as well as passing a monthly quiz.)

And so I tried desperately to clear up my skin. I tried Clean & Clear, Oxy cream, Neutrogena, Mary Kay, Proactiv, peel-off masks, scrubbing tools, "natural" remedies and scrubs, birth control pills, Retin-A, Retin-A Micro, antibiotics, changing my pillow case more often, changing my diet...nothing helped. Nothing. Nothing made a dent in it. And yes, I did give it enough time to see results. It was all totally futile.

Then I finally got Accutane. Then they pulled me off of it because it was spiking my triglycerides. Then I got back on it again, and they threatened to pull me off of it once again, because of my triglycerides. I ate as carefully as I possibly could, but my triglycerides kept increasing like crazy. Eventually it got to the point where I ate maybe three different foods. For months this was my diet. I had to go through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and two weddings where I couldn't eat any of the food there. It got to the point where I was so sick of the same three things that sometimes eating them made me throw up. It was just barely enough to let me squeak by, though, and I finished the Accutane treatment.

But I was only, maybe 75% clear? Eventually, through a series of surprising events, I found a dermatologist who let me see her pro bono. She prescribed me Spironolactone, and that cleared me up 100% within 2 weeks. Many years later, I found out that I have two non-cancerous brain tumors on my pituitary gland that may have caused the acne. I am working on getting that treated (I am negative for PCOS and Cushing's.)

From there, I focused on healing my skin and my self-esteem. I still have body dysmorphic disorder because of the acne and a few other reasons. For a long time, I couldn't take selfies or be in pictures. I was too disgusted. I wore extremely heavy coverage cosmetics like Dermacol and others. I cringed every time I saw my reflection. I still saw awful skin. And for the longest time, I dreamed of having laser work and plastic surgery done. Sometimes I still do.

But I'm working on it. I'm trying to accept my skin as it is, and I'm trying to silence the criticism. I've switched to wearing ordinary drug store foundation, no concealer, and none of that extreme coverage stuff. Sometimes I still think I need more coverage, but maybe it's not that bad. And yes, I always gently but thoroughly remove all makeup at the end of the day.

Anyway, I thought I'd share what my skin looks like today. Just be gentle please! And please no makeup critiques/advice! I am not a model, nor could I ever be. Far from it, really. I'm just some 40-year-old lady on the internet who's trying to pick up the pieces after 12 years of disfiguring cystic acne and a lifetime of consequences. Keep in mind that there are no filters, photoshop, or Facetune in these pictures. Just some makeup. And I don't have any before pictures because there's only one photo of me from that time, and you can't see the full extent of my acne anyway because I covered it with makeup. But sometimes I think that maybe, just maybe, after all this time, I'm not doing so bad after all.

Anyway, enjoy.