I honestly hate my life. I hate myself. It’s gotten worse, and I don’t care if I got away from bad people. It isn’t better. It has gotten worse. I’ve gotten time to focus on myself only to realize I hate myself. I can’t even listen to music because I don’t have any good memories because I always ruin good things by saying something or doing something stupid. I don’t even want to go to college because I can’t make friends. The college I want to go too, and kinda have to go too, is close to my school, or at least popular here.

I don’t even want to draw anymore, or do the things I use to enjoy doing. My motivation is all gone because I have no hope anymore. I can’t even be the person who deserves the things I want.

My “friends” are only school friends, and they have friends better to hang out with. My teachers tell my college is so much better, but I don’t know what to believe anymore because I can’t seem to make friends. I ruin it. I’m mean, and I can’t seem to hear people when they talk, and a lot of other things I don’t want to talk about because they are probably just excuses instead of reasons.

My “friends” are usually a group, and I am the forgotten one. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been like this forever and all my life and I think it’s going to be like this for now on.

Of course I talk to people and try to socialize, but nothing seems to work.

People see me and think I am “cute and innocent” and tell me how great I am and to go to college and achieve my dreams and then, that person never, ever talks to me again. I wish that cycle would end.

I wish people would quit telling me I am their best friend for listening to them about their problems because they will never, ever hang out with me outside of school or even text me or talk to me. It’s annoying and once again I am forgotten.

I wish people would quit assuming I hate socializing because this is not the case at all. My one school friend told me “it’s okay to be anti-social.” I wish she could understand how hard it is to make friends for me, and how everyone seems to love her easily. She has lots of friends and has no trouble making them. Just because I don’t have friends, doesn’t mean I don’t want any. I do.

I don’t think I’ve ever had any real friends. Maybe my one friend who has moved away. We got close again at the end of last school year, and it makes me sad she moved away. It’s like I don’t deserve friends or something.

Most of the “friends” I’ve had seem to only been school friends. When I try to hang out with them they always seem to have an excuse.

Curse The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. When I was in middle school, I remember praying for friends. When I read this book I thought I’d make friends easily, but my heart was broken again and again since I began high school and I don’t think it’s going to get better.I wish I could stop getting my hopes up by listening to music and watching movies and reading books. None of it is real and I guess it won’t happen to me.

I don’t want to go to college anymore. I want to, I really do. But I don’t think I can make friends. And because I want to be a filmmaker, well...you get it.

Please don’t tell me that it’s my fault - I know it is. I’m tired of people reminding me it is. My mom and dad ignore me about this, so I am more lonely then I realize thinking about it.