My experience memory is very much non existent, looking back in my life there's literally nothing but fuzzy recollection of basic facts, like what school I went to if even that I can barely recall, don't remember anything I did in any childhood or school, I know had a couple friends I remember 1-2 of their names but don't know what we did, It's more like a fact I know they visit my birthday and I went over to their place some times to play games but there's nothing there, I remember vaguely old friends faces or close family in past, some buildings, objects, but I don't see anything just blackness it's more like a sense feeling imagery.

It really do feel like my whole life past is just gone, always in the present, about year ago visited my grandmother for a couple weeks, she's 78 and has incredible mental clarity, very productive, very sharp memory, she will go on and on telling me her stories it's like she's staring into space seeing the movie moments of her life., Again I remember this like a note or fact, she talked about her great upbringing and that's all the details I can recall literally.

What I mean by thoughtless I would describe like the opposite of what people say intrusive thoughts are like, I can just stare into space or a wall just, or just close my eyes and no voice, no sounds, no image, just 'mentally inactive tired mind'.

My father has a great memory to his own detriment he can't forget bad things, he has Asperger's, highly intelligent, my mother is bipolar, good memory, poor emotion control, etc.

I'm more like my father but I have lost all abilities, from long-term nutritional deficiencies, such as Iron, B12 Consequences of multiple trauma, memory suppression coping mechanisms, chronic health issues leading to deficiencies, caused mental deficits, cognitive decline, isolation from society and quit school and live on disability money, 22 y/o now.

Also just remembered a fact I hit my head on the hard corner of tv stand as a child, bled from top my head, I was still conscious I'm pretty sure, they took me hospital and put glue thing in hole in my head, wonder if it could have caused any serious damage.

The only time my moment to moment experience in life changed was about 2016-17, in a 1-on-1 therapy session in about 4th session I started getting emotional for first time in years, and past trauma memories were flooding my mind it was almost like reliving for first time (hard to describe), unfortunately the therapist was a student and had to leave and my progress stopped there, now I'm still a emotionless dead robot again!

Another experience was side effect of an anxiety medication about 3 yrs ago, gave me racing thoughts so bad gave me dread, I never had intrusive thoughts to begin with so that was an intense suffering experience. My anxiety started/stemmed as avoiding school from bullying. I've been put on medication only on few occasions during school years for short trial periods like weeks but they never worked and had side effects, school like social settings have brought me anxiety the most must be from deep child traumas which I also remember only as fact.

And recently experienced a year ago a family member have me take CBD/THC oil he grew/made, gave regular dose and I had strange side effects like slowed time / time jumping, flickering light, hearing static louder, my thoughts more noticeable, felt less control of my body and mind, like more impulsivity which is totally opposite of how I normally am, had anxiety overall intensely, though I had the most intense vivid dream and I started hearing my crystal clear beautiful music I just layed in bed it was actually intensely pleasurable as long as I was alone laying down and calm, my emotions and felt alive! the other effects took a full 4 days to wear off, less symptoms progressively over each day, last day was mentally slow like drowsy tired. The other effects were unfortunately to much I couldn't function so I don't wanna go back on them unless just for intense bed laying experiences.

Does anyone else understand / have similar experience and struggle feeling like a normal human being?