Hi,

My name's Ed, and I'm 37 in July. Currently converting a 2005 VW LT35 Luton box van into a home. She's called Boxanne, and recently resprayed with a white cab, colour matched bumpers and a bright purple box with 4 tinted windows in it and a rack of 3 solar panels on the white roof. She looks stunning, although I don't quite feel ready to own such a beast, as she's one of the biggest vehicles you can drive on a 3.5 tonne license.

I'm going for my 7.5 tonne license later in the year so that I can continue adding to the project later, plus I want to go for my CBT again. Had a 125 suzuki cruiser style bike at 21. Friends hammered through the silencers on day 1 of owning it, and it gave her a pleasant, but not brash low rev rumble. Anyway, I'd like another small motorbike, to have on the back of the van to be able to scout ahead. I've marked 70 middle of nowhere locations on Google Maps for park ups. I've put in over 30k hours in life with gaming overall, and I think Google Maps - whilst it isn't a video game, might be the best video game ever made. But yes, even with a reversing camera, I don't want Boxanne stuck down some single track Fenland road and having to reverse for miles to turn around.

Anyway, I digress as I often do. I'm on the spectrum, as is my brother and parents. In different ways of course. But one common theme is emotional sensitivity. Which makes life both beautiful and enchanting; as well as overwhelming and unnerving.

I'm a people pleaser. It's how I try and fit in, all the while feeling like a piece from a different puzzle. I leave a good impression on people, and those who've gotten to know me have often said I'm the nicest person they've ever met.

Comes at a cost though - I'm stressed out and constantly overthinking. Welcome to ADHD. Scored 100% on the private assessment; A* student. 20 odd years of depression. Existential crisis and bouts of increasingly severe anxiety and dread from the age of 9. Regular panic attacks started in my mid 20's And daily aches, pains and symptoms born of stress since 2012. Still, whilst it sounds like a struggle - in public I try and be stoic, another common phrase people have used to describe me is "chilled out". But with friends and in moments where I can no longer mask my Autistic traits - I can quickly unravel, or I simply write to process and can end up oversharing (such as now).

Bottling up isn't healthy though, but since seeing my brother and an Autistic child in my class being bullied for their quirks - I felt like I had to mask who I was in order to coast under the radar. In my own company and around only a handful of people in my life (not even my parents) I have a lot of facial, bodily, verbal and noise ticks. Something I never lost since childhood, and actually increased as I got older.

With adult responsibilities and life, my free time is incredibly prescious to me. Therein lies a "complisult" (Community) that I've received from those I've dated. They wished they met me later in life. As in, I'm not good in group social situations, and crowded places. So they'd like to be older and supposedly naturally more insular and repetitive in order to fully enjoy my presence as a partner. Mind you, I go for emotionally unavailable or unstable types in both friendships and relationships. I'm drawn towards people with emotional depth or ambiguity.

To live in a van full time, people are expecting a deep wanderlust. But most of my travelling is done in my mind. I mostly need the privacy and to reconnect with myself. I've been in draining environments for years, and I long to have my own space to call home, rather than co-habiting. Plus, I wish to own a dog again, and I shall.

Anyway, let's wrap this up. I'm looking to chat to people, as I tried meeting new people for friendships on FB dating and OK Cupid and the results were lukewarm at best, and induced a fair amount of loneliness. A friend recommended Reddit, and I need new social avenues. Socialising in real life

Most of my conversations are done online - via FB Messenger and WhatsApp. When I discovered MSN and social platforms it opened up a world away from the prolonged isolation I've lived with since pre-teens. Most of my conversations are done online, and I know instant messaging isn't for everyone, but it's my main energy focus with socialising.

I am polite to all in life, but I click with very few people. I strongly dislike small talk, and find I have a knack for getting people to open up - and we talk deep, and it's invigorating to partake in. Quality over quantity when it comes to conversation. I fear a lot can talk when they have nothing to say. Outside of 1-to1 conversations I tend to "circumspectat" rather than be an actively vocal participant. With people I bond with - there is magic, and we will have our own little microcosm each time we meet.

But yes, I'm reaching out to people who might be different. I'm fond of art, contact fire staffing, writing, reading, comedies, PC building and gaming, collecting underground music, yoga, cycling, hallucinogens, (t)weed, and I'm 3.5 years sober from alcohol, but I miss it regularly.

I'll play myself out - https://youtu.be/ZVzsAwJXjU8

Ed