**Potential Language Trigger warning** I've noticed other posts * out certain words, I don't understand why but here goes:

Hello everyone. I am so grateful for this support group! I just want to put my situation out there to see if anyone has had any similar experiences and how to manage stress triggered PNES, especially in difficult situations.

So just a bit of background; I have Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, and PNES, as well as possible being very high functioning but on the ASD, more tests required for that.

Early life: Up until I was 16 my grandmother who was narcissistic and psychotic with anger management issues but refused to take meds lived with my parents and me from age 4 to 16. There were daily screaming matches between my mom and my grandma that hurt my ears. My grandma would lambast me for doing homework sometimes and I had to hide in my closet as she screamed at me and my mom screamed at her. Police and ambulance were called somewhat frequently. My father worked long hard hours and was not there for most of it. He suffered a very painful condition that he almost died from and I watched him suffer in groaning agony on the weekends so we were never able to do anything, usually. When I was at school I shut down and was depressed and had ADHD. My teachers would sometimes yell at me for "daydreaming" and I got in trouble for it. No one raised red flags. I just shut down more. I had no friends. Every single day in high school, I was the biggest loser in the school. Kids would call me "useless fuck" or "waste of skin" or "if I murdered you, who would care?" I had rocks thrown at my head. I had a boy pee on me. I could go on and on and on. Even the "loser" bullied group rejected me and would bully me. I was alone and began to dissociate sometimes at lunch and have out of body experiences. I thought about suicide daily but I was too scared to act on it. I did self harm though. I believed I was worthless up until I was around 29-30 years old. Somehow I managed to do university level prep courses and passed with just barely enough of a grade to be accepted into university. This is where I finally let lose and made friends and was shocked that no one bullied me. I made a decision to "stick up for myself" and would just tear someone to shreds if they tread on me. But I was the nicest person if you were nice to me. I ended up switching programs to electrical engineering technology and graduated with honors, but saddled in massive student debt as I had to shoulder the cost of housing with student loans.

Fast forward to when I graduated and no one would hire me (I live in Canada). There just seemed to be too many people looking for the same jobs. So I started working for minimum wage and had to move back to my parents house who lived in the woods in the middle of nowhere hundreds of kilometers from the cities down south. There were no job opportunities yet I had to pay for loans and a car given remote area. Years later I managed to get a job in my field that required education as a "electronics repair technician" for highly specialized mining equipment. It was a tiny business in a small city (pop. 20k) that was over an hour highway drive from my house. It payed $19/hr and the owner was a narcist and an asshole and would lambaste me for my thermos lid being too noisy. He would mark up our labor rate to $60/hr but only pay us 19 and he lived in a 100 acre paradise with 3 homes and I couldn't even afford rent. Housing in Canada is undergoing hyperinflation right now if you are not aware and as an example a bush lot in the middle of nowhere has gone from $19,000 to $200,000. For reference rent in the city I was working in was $1600-$2000 an month for a 1 bedroom and vacancy rates were near 0 so it was just impossible on my wage. 2019 my father suddenly dropped dead of a massive brain stem stroke a week before Christmas. My first girlfriend a week later on Christmas eve went into a DKA due to a rare genetic disorder that mimics diabetes. She has an autistic young daughter that is now my step daughter and it was very traumatizing. I wanted to die on Christmas my mom was a wreck and so was I with my father dead and now my GF (now fiancé) in the ICU in a coma. She ended up getting out of the coma and recovering but with massive disabling side effects. She went to school for PSW so obviously she could not work. She developed chronic neuropathy that made it feel like boiling water was being poured on her. Her family doctor retired leaving us with only the emergency room in our shitty small town hospital that constantly has different doctors from elsewhere doing their training or residency here. She is native and therefore, we faced systemic racism. We were told numerous times by doctors "so I think you're drug seeking..." one told us to "YouTube the procedure and do it ourselves and stormed out before saying she doesn't need to eat" Hard to believe I know. All of these factors lead me to self harm at work one day when my boss was up my ass for a grammatical mistake in an email, he also had me doing 2 peoples jobs for $19/hr. I stabbed myself in the hand 11 times with a screwdriver and then left work and went to the hospital to get treatment for my hand.

The pandemic happens. There is no work and even if I was working my boss didn't pay me remotely enough to cover the cost of the mortgage payments on my parents house where we were living and we lost everything and I moved into an "illegal" apartment with my GF. Everything was going on credit card as my mom was broke and I basically don't have any other family. Stress was mounting from losing everything and my GF's health.

**(Aside: my borderline causes me to feel extreme empathy for others, even a world away if I see something on YouTube. If I see injustices; class inequality, racism, sexism, etc. I go into a rage against the offending party, usually launching brutal ad hominem verbal attacks on them. This really ramped up after I was forcefully drugged and dragged out of a bar and then raped. This is where my PTSD comes from. No charges were ever pressed, as the person who did it to me accused me of raping them after I accused them first. I had a drug test done after but they said nothing was detectable because it was like a week later. I digress.) By the way, I feel justified in ad hominem attacks like towards my rapist or other 'evil' people for instance I called my rapist a "worthless c*nt that doesn't deserve to live" I frequently tell people that I am so disgusted with our society that we do not put rapists, esp. child ones to death. I almost did an arson attack on my rapists house, but stopped myself as I feared the consequences.)**

Back to my Fiancé's health. In Canada we have social welfare programs (disability and welfare) but they are absolutely shit. Welfare gives a person max $768 a month and disability gives $1169, which maddeningly enough she does not qualify for and neither do I. Also given that rents are minimum $1600 a month plus utilities/foot/etc and people only survive on it by getting hundreds a month from family and that is not an option for us. So when we moved into the apartment together I had just applied to a professional programming job for industrial automation which required weekly travel and a drivers license. It payed $80k and was the only job in my entire district like that, at a small company with like 5 people. So something like that doesn't come up often. It payed $80k. I aced 3 interviews and demonstrated my skills and that night my twitching began. I had my first full PNES, though in hindsight I've had the tremors that start with its onset before. The next day my province issues an immediate medical suspension on my drivers license. I lost the job and was thrust into poverty again putting everything on credit to survive. Finally I got a job at a small factory 10 kms away from me last April and so I have to bike on a highway to there (rural, single lane) with big rigs going 100km/h narrowly missing me my feet to inches. We would have been bankrupt otherwise. Then surprise! Somehow my fiancé gets pregnant!! She is almost due now but it is very high risk and I am terrified for her to give birth in a few weeks. She needs me to leave work sometimes to provide care for her and her daughter when she's sick.

So fast forward to this week. I am at work, my boss comes up to me because I applied for parental leave due to our situation and says that I need to fill out family caregiver leave (which the hospital wont fill out) to 'save my job' Now everyone that is my coworker always says "wow, what a hard worker, you're a shoe-in, etc.) I always get my job done. So I freak out and have a panic attack which then triggers a PNES very soon after. I collapse to the floor convulsing and the supervisor runs over and after I come too like 10-15 minutes later I explain to him what happened, I explained that I cant have this reported or they will never give me my license back (rules here). To give you an idea I live in a village of 400 people and the next closest town is only 500 people. So if I lose this job there is nothing else and no help. Meanwhile, my fellow alumni are scattered across the country making bank. I tell him I can't go to the hospital because they might miss-diagnose me and give me seizure meds. I also explained to him (while weeping as grown man on the floor unable to get up after the seizure) that I can't take the meds they prescribe (SSRI, SNRI, etc. I've been on a lot of them) because the make my mood swings way more violent, and make me suicidal DAILY. I've already been hospitalized for attempted suicide before and I don't want that again. I've used up all the free counselling in my area including rape counseling, and PTSD stuff. I've "graduated" from the cognitive behavioral therapy, and dialectical behavioral therapy classes and know all the grounding techniques, breathing, etc, but when my life is IN CONSTANT STRESS AND AGAITATION they just don't work. Out of desperation I tired magic mushrooms and they helped for a month but I stopped taking them because my family said it was wrong. Cannabis (since its legal here) does help though, but then people call me an "addict" if I have to rely on that. I cant even get a remote job because in my remote rural area the internet is garbage. There is even much more stress and trauma in my life and I don't have the time or energy (getting depleted now) to describe and my mom just had open heart surgery and is in real danger and she says she cant help or listen to all my stuff. To make matters worse my work asked for my birth certificate (we make kids playground equipment) and again threated my job security. I am always getting near seizure episodes lately. I phoned a lawyer yesterday and he basically yelled at me and was so rude. I have no outlet so I bully hardcore violent antivaxxers online, calling them names and telling them if it were up to me id have the military pin them down and vax them, especially since there is one at my work who is always showing me qanon and trump shit, and our own Canadian version of that "PPC" - vomit. He also rubs his wealth in my face, as he moved up here from Toronto because of "how PPC it is". I am also a hard leftist politically with socialism and that is VERY hard in my area. People keep telling me that I am lazy and "just want a handout off MY TAX DOLLARS" and to just earn more and to just "move" - with what money and job? lol and to "get another job" ignoring the fact I cant drive in live in the middle of buttfuck nowhere as we say here. Couple that with the indigenous genocide deniers (my fiancé is aboriginal) and I am so angry ALL THE TIME. People around town sometimes even give me the finger and yell at me "GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROAD" as they scream past in they black smoke pickup trucks and pollution. I've called the crisis lines in the middle of the night and they basically told me "they have other callers on the line after like 5 mins." I keep telling my family I'm close to snapping and rioting in the streets which I cant do because of consequences and baby on the way- maddening. For the record, I attest in this post that I will NOT do any of the extreme things outlined in this post, I don't have it in me, rather I'd go into a PNES. I believe fundamentally in love and that in order to be a good society we need to love and care for one another. Its just how it makes me feel emotionally.

So anyone face situations like this? What do you do in this situation? No one, even counsellors seem to give me an answer, especially with how I have more money going out each month than coming in and there is no way to increase my income. Can't even do YouTube as my upload rate is like 0.01 MBPS. I am living off a line of credit and even accountants tell me that bankruptcy wont help because my debt is secured/unsecured idk. My head is a mess and this took me 2 hours to write as my beautiful, smart and autistic step daughter is constantly asking for me to do something (love her). Love you all. Thank you for reading.

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Edit: Feel free to vet me by checking out my post history, I have nothing to hide. Also part of the madness is I rarely have to drive illegally because of where we live and my S.O. is too sick to drive. At least on parental leave I would not have to work for 8 months and I would get payed, though not sure I would get it if I was fired. Also, the worst of my symptoms happen when mindfulness techniques won't work.

Edit 2: I don't know if it helps to mention but my grandpa (possibly drunk, now dead) dropped me down the stairs when I was.. I think 1...?