If Reddit was a fast food restaurant...

Reddit: Hi welcome to reddit, will you be using our mobile app today?

Me: Unfortunately yes, but I'd rather not.

Reddit: Great! We're glad you're here, what can I get you?

Me: Yeah, thanks, I'll have an attractive, mid-30's to mid-50's, woman with an average build please.

Reddit: Domestic or international?

Me: Domestic please.

Reddit: Let me see if we have any in stock... there are a few, you sure you don't want international? Better selection.

Me: I know, but time zone issues... I'd like domestic please.

Reddit: Short, medium, or tall?

Me: What's short?

Reddit: Short is 5'2" or shorter, medium is 5'2" to 5'8", and tall is 5'8" or taller.

Me: I'll take either medium or tall, but whatever you have in stock.

Reddit: Okay, short or medium it is... hair color?

Me: hmm... b r u n e t t e ?? I'm really not that picky about hair...

Reddit: Okay, brunette... good choice! Any side dishes to go with that?

Me: What are my options?

Reddit: Intelligence, creativity, sarcasm, sass... here's a list, but dominant is extra.

Me: oh right.... um...

Reddit: Can you move aside, and order when you're ready?

Me: Wait, wait, I know what I want... side of intelligence, two orders of creativity, a side of sass and a side of flirty confidence.

Reddit: Oh I was just told our side order machine is in need of repair. No sides today.

Me: You just offered something you don't have in stock? Now what?

Reddit: Take what we have in stock.

Me: Right, that's what I'm trying to figure out.

Reddit: We're sorry, with the Holiday rush it's been busy. You can go next door to Tinder.

Me: No thanks, I'll try my luck here.

Reddit: Great! What I have so far is a middle aged plain American woman, no sides. Anything else?

Me: That wasn't quite right...

Reddit: That's what we have... unless you want to join our OFR program.

Me: OFR?

Reddit: Only Fans Rewards.... only $5/month! Should I sign you up?

Me: No thanks.

Reddit: Do you want to chat on our buggy platform and risk not getting notifications, or move elsewhere?

Me: Hmm... I can chat on your site to start, but can move to another if it's more convenient.

Reddit: Okay, your total comes out to... a short description of yourself and a plea for attention.

Me: Um, okay... hispanic, 6'2", mid 40's, dad, trying to stay active (HWP), enjoy reading, walking, laughing and creative fun...

Reddit: Oh I'm sorry, we've run out of women looking for online flings with hispanic men. All we have are escorts and men catfishing as women. Do you want one of those?

Me: Darn, okay. Any younger women looking for my age?

Reddit: Yes of course... so you want to sign up for our Only Fans Rewards?

Me: That's where the younger women are?

Reddit: Correct, no younger women looking for your demographic.

Me: But earlier you said...

Reddit: Look, I'm trying to help you out... don't be a creep.

Me: Right. How about the escorts?

Reddit: Escorts??? Who said escorts? I'm sorry sir, we don't serve escorts here.

Me: Didn't you just say...

Reddit: Well, okay, thanks for coming to Reddit! I can help the next person...