TW: Physical abuse, emotional and verbal abuse

Hi Reddit.

I’ve been contemplating writing here, but I have a lot of thoughts right now and I just want to unload. Kakauwi ko lang mula barangay. I tried to find out the best legal ways I can to file a case against my biggest abuser - my brother.

I started the fight tonight. Nagparinig ako na medyo malakas kasi for the nth time in a row, kinuhaan na naman ako ng gamit. I’ve had enough. We live in a compound, nakatira sya sa ibang unit, ako nakatira sa mismong bahay namin. After nya ako marinig, he came barging in with the item he stole and shouting “May problema ka ba?! May problema ka ba?!” then he grabbed me by my neck and threw me outside. I didn’t want to fight, I know that if he inflicted more damage to me, he’d be more in trouble, and alas, as I was trying to go inside the house again, he was stopping me. At one point he punched me multiple times that I lost count. I’m already numb with the pain. I have been hit by a baseball bat when I was 16 and a monobloc chair when I was 17. I’m now 30, but things haven’t changed.

While the commotion happened, my mom just watched. She didn’t stop my brother or anything, she just watched at the side. She just watched me being punched and kicked. I grew up in the same way. She wasn’t really the best parent, as she coddled my brother saying “away kapatid” lang yun, but I still love her. Even when she blamed me for being diagnosed with cancer when I was 14, I still love her. She said na magastos, at naiinis sya dun - I get her though, she’s the only one working in the household. My dad was an alcoholic, a gambler as well. My brother followed his footsteps. Thankfully, my lola helped me with therapy. Pero you know, what set apart my dad from my mom before he died? He actually defended me. He saw me getting hit by the monobloc chair from earlier and he defended me. Sadly, even if he was battling cancer that time, my brother picked up the broken pieces of the chair and hit my dad the same way he hit me, and things were peaceful for a time dahil pinalayas sya ng dad ko, kaya lang my dad died eventually and my brother used that “opportunity” to come back home.

We weren’t really on good terms ever since. He physically hurt me multiple times since I was 6. Verbally abused me as well. But what I can’t really fathom is the fact na nung pandemic, nung 2020, winithdraw nya yung buong retirement fund ni mama - nearly half a million pesos - and it was all gone. My mom didn’t know that my brother was getting all her hard earned money for months, pero eventually pinatawad nya, kasi nagdala ng pancit nung umuwi after nya makuha yung pera. Ako? I cared for my mom when the pandemic hit, even if nawalan ako ng income that time. I tried my best, but what did I get in return? I heard my mom say to me “Sana hindi ka na pinanganak, sana hindi ka na naging parte ng pamilyang ito!” when all I did was serve her canned sardines because that is all that I can afford.

I am numb at this point. I have to get a medical examination later for my scars at sa mga onting bukol sa mukha ko. My best friend heard the commotion, and recorded the audio all while it was happening. We have evidence. But personally, weirdly, I’m stoic right now.

Para bang oo, binugbog ulit ako, pero it’s like “I’m disappointed but not surprised.” The only insult he can throw to me is “Ano lalaban ka? Bakla ka kasi!”

At the end of the day, I try to be the best human I can be. I volunteer for a non-government organization helping out people in need. I know that I am loved by my peers and that is enough for me. I have a job now that gets to sustain me. I have achievements under my belt that I never knew I could accomplish. Irregardless of my sexuality, I am living my life trying to help those who need it most, and the people who stand by my side, and I am happy with that.

He may hurt me outside, but he cannot reach the light I have inside. As much as he hurt me, he helped shape who I am today.

A fighter. A survivor.

And at the end of the day, I’m okay with that. Ika nga, the best revenge is living your best life when your abuser is living (or gonna live) the life he deserves.

I’ll be okay. I’ll do things the right way. I will fight the right way. Not through fists and force.