TW: depression, suicidal thoughts

Saw a tweet that asked: "What's your reason to stay alive?"

I thought to myself and I honestly can't think of amy reason for me to keep living. I know the world won't be any different without me.

I've been struggling with depression for a couple of years now, been going to therapy and taking meds. For the most part I've been managing but there are times when the dark thoughts are strong. I'm just getting out of a really long episode (like a month) so I am trying to look up but it's really difficult. Before going into the aforementioned depressive episode, I also had to overcome a bunch of medical problems that drained me physically and mentally.

It doesn't help that the people in my life take my feelings for granted. I have always been empathetic and understanding towards them and I feel like they got used to it to the point that they don't care about hurting me or letting me down. I'm always the one adjusting or compromising and it's exhausting.

I used to drown myself in work so I could forget or repress my feelings. But I'm currently at a job I don't like (they moved me to a diff department that I didn't sign up for) with a boss who doesn't acknowledge my efforts (he used to be supportive, I don't know what happened which adds to the pain) and micromanages me. Now I'm planning on leaving and it feels like my career path has been derailed again.

I don't know if this is just a quarter life crisis made worse by my mental illness but I really don't know if there is still a point to my existence. My company will definitely find a replacement for me and my friends and family would probably forget me eventually. Besides, I only feel at peace when I am asleep and unconscious.

I guess the only thing stopping me is that my life insurance won't cover it if I unalive myself. Tbh death scares me but if it comes I probably won't fight it.

But for now, I'll still try to pull through this.