Hello! By "unicorn post", I mean to imply that I am and am looking for a very specific type of person. Basically, someone who is not well-adjusted to modern society and also isn't riddled with mental illness as a result of that. This is not to be judgmental, just that usually people who have experienced a comparable amount of... struggle do wind up quite understandably afflicted and, ironically, lacking that in common makes it hard to relate to most people (as the rest are, or at least appear to be well-adjusted), thus this state is somewhat of a unicorn or a statistical anomaly.

I suppose a good sign of late-stage whatever-state-this-is is understanding or even accomplishing what is commonly considered a form of "enlightenment", which is hard to explain but I can say an intellectual byproduct of this process is realizing that most of modern psychology is based on the false premise that your power can be taken away by anyone but yourself. This process has brought me to a much higher state of peace and has significantly altered my motivations (for example, feeling like I have to prove myself - which is a much more deeply-rooted thought process than it would seem), although it has also neutralized the phony good / fool's gold that was previously in my life, which includes most relationships.

So, clearly I need some new people in my life. I don't think it's feasible to look irl as, y'know, unicorn...

I feel like the above paragraph probably did a lot as far as determining if we're on the same page, but I'll go ahead and throw out a few more random thoughts in case it helps:

• My #1 (worldly?) motivation right now is to plan to move off-grid towards the end of the year to decouple from "the system" and focus on what really matters... family? I still have to figure that part out.
• I have a weird relationship with a few very commonly used substances, in that they are kind of preventing me from feeling normal, but they're also helping me not feel existential dread. I should probably mention that my nervous system, brain etc. definitely haven't fully recovered from a series of more or less traumatic experiences over the past... uh... time. I should also re-emphasize the "people usually have a few mental illnesses by now" suggestion from the first paragraph.
• I'm hoping that I'm just coming out of the whole game of "narcissists and borderlines and people pleasers and victims (etc.)" and no longer need to have those people in my life and eventually realize they are a much smaller proportion of people than I would think despite being previously surrounded by them, as in some way by participating I was attracting only people playing that game.