TW. Hi again, Mom. I’m sorry that this post is really, really long. I just need to talk to you.

When I was in high school and my freshman year of college, I struggled with an eating disorder. I lost about 50 pounds very, very quickly even though I barely had 10 to spare.

Things got better my sophomore year of college. I can’t put my finger on why, but I just felt better. I still didn’t like my body, but I could at least live with it. Of course, my self harm was at an all time high, but I wasn’t actively starving myself. I got back to a healthy weight.

The summer after sophomore year and my senior year were terrible. I gained a ton of weight. I was taking 23 credit hours a semester so I could finish my BA in only three years, working 20 hours a week, and writing my thesis. I’m now the heaviest I’ve ever been, and the BMI calculator says I’m obese. I know it’s not an accurate calculator, but I used it obsessively in the heyday of my ED and I’m back to it. I went from a size 4 in high school to a size 12 now. Some days I feel okay-ish, and other days, like today, I feel like an absolute monster. I want to punish myself for every bite I take. The thing is, I know that I’m fat. I’m not saying that’s the worst thing in the world, but the reality is that I’m very overweight. I still think I’m pretty sometimes, but it’s overshadowed by the fact that I’m so heavy right now.

It doesn’t help that I had a miscarriage in July, so now I have that little mom pooch where things expanded. Seeing it makes me feel just as horrible as I did when I miscarried, and it also makes me feel even fatter. It feels like my body betrayed me. I feel pathetic that I can’t move past it and function normally, even all of these months later. My boyfriend and I weren’t ready for a baby, but we had a plan to make it all work, and we were so excited. We even picked out names. You were there when the miscarriage happened - I had to pretend it was period cramps and excused myself from our lunch table at an Italian restaurant when it happened - but I had to pretend that everything was normal even though I was dying inside. It was one of the worst moments of my life. I just want to cut that extra fat off and get rid of those feelings.

I know I’m in a really bad place. I’ve been looking at ED blogs on Tumblr again. I never use Tumblr. I don’t even know why I still have the app. But here I am, scouring it for ED recipes and looking at thinspo. I can feel myself falling back into bad habits. I didn’t eat anything today and I can’t remember what I had yesterday. I think I had a Hot Pocket for lunch and then “forgot” to eat because I was studying for the GRE. I already have a list in my notes app of “safe” recipes for the rest of the week. I was planning a trip to the store tomorrow for safe food and vanilla Diet Coke. I’m stalking those thinspo accounts and thinking of what I’d wear if I had a flat stomach.

I just need you to be there to support me. You’re my best friend. I wish I could talk to you in person, but I know hearing this would break your heart, and I just can’t hurt you like that. You don’t even know about the miscarriage. We were waiting to tell you until after we reached the 12 week safe mark. It would’ve been your first biological grand baby. God knows that I hurt you enough when I was younger. I can’t let you down like that again, but I still need some love right now.