Mom,

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You know my husband left me almost six months ago. What you don't know is how much it devastated me. That I ended up on the psych floor for five days because I thought I'd be better off dead than without him. The the day of the divorce hearing was one of the hardest days I've ever had. That I never recovered from the codependency you instilled in me, instead I just transferred it to him. And he wasn't healthy either. It was not a good relationship, and I see that now.

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You don't know how much better I'm doing now. That while I still have insecurities, I love myself more than I ever have. I don't have you, or him, nitpicking my every move. Telling me to do things your way. Convincing me I can't do the things I want, and ultimately, need to do.

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And because of this, and your dysfunction, I can't -- and won't -- ask for your advice now. I won't ask if I want to start dating again to fill an emptiness left by not having someone to be codependent on. Someone else to fixate on, to rescue and caretake over and over again. Or if I'm just trying desperately to fill in the love void left by you, and him.

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Or if it comes from a genuine, healthy place. If its nothing more than just the human want to love and be loved in return. If what I'm really looking for, I know its what I want, is to finally experience a healthy, normal relationship with a true partner, not someone out to control me. Not someone looking for a showpiece, like once again, the both of you did.

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I want a man, a real man, to cuddle with on chilly days and watch movies with. Someone to snuggle and nap with. Another soul to stay up late with and share our dreams, and plans, and wishes with. Someone to share all those sweet, little moments with. A true and equal partner to share my life with.

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But I know I need to love myself before I love someone else. I think I might be there but I'm not sure. I'm terrified I'm looking for someone for the wrong reasons, not the right ones. I don't want to hurt someone else, and ultimately myself, with my dysfunction.

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I'm also scared that I'm not good enough. I feel more beautiful than I ever have, but I still jiggle in places, I have stretch marks, and I never feel like my face is quite clear enough.

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I'm not the best housekeeper, but the house is so big its hard to take care of alone. And he never helped me clean, so I'm starting off behind. I can't cook nearly as well as I can bake, and that might be an issue to some men? I don't even know. But sometimes it makes me feel like less of a woman.

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I'm nervous to open myself up physically to another man. That aspect of our relationship wasn't healthy either. Aside from that, I now identify as demisexual (I actually have for almost a year now, but I know there is NO way I could tell your uber-Christian, yet sex obsessed self that. You would not understand at all, and downplay it or tell me what I'm really feeling. Btw, congratulations, your daughter is part of the LGBTQ community. I know you'd hate it if you knew.) He was the only person I've ever felt *that* way about. I know I will find it again (although I will admit, I'm scared I won't). But I'll need to take things slowly, and have someone to understand that, and I'm afraid I won't find that either.

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I want to be better, to take care of things better. And I'm not sure if I should take more time to do that, or if the right guy will understand, see me striving to better myself, and help and support me through it. I have my friends for that of course. But there's just something about that special connection with another human that I miss dearly.

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I just don't know what to do, and I wish you were the kind of mother I could ask. But you're not.