I have been fighting my depression all my life. I started having suicidal thoughts at 11 and I'm now 29 so I've been having these thoughts for 18 years now and I'm exhausted. I've been doing the things to get better and none of it's worked. I've been in and out of therapy since 2016, consistently in therapy for the last two and a half years with sessions every week sometimes multiple times a week. I've done ACT, CBT, EMDR, DBT, and IFS. I've bought multiple self-help workbooks. I've been doing the work and yet I still want to kill myself.

I just moved and I've only been in this house for a week and I've already planned out where I'd hang myself. I have multiple ideas of where and how and what I'd do it with. And I don't want to do these things because I know it'll hurt the people I love, but I'm struggling with resisting them because I'm hurting. I just want to have the desire to live. I'm so tired of fighting my own brain of having a war going on inside of me. In the last year I was diagnosed with ADHD and I've come to suspect that I'm also autistic. I was also previously diagnosed with MDD, GAD, and cPTSD. Knowing that I'm probably autistic has helped me recognize some of my thought patterns and where and why they're there but it hasn't made it easier to live with them, it's just made me more aware of them. I have the awareness but I don't have the tools to do anything with that awareness. Sometimes the tools I do have work and sometimes they don't and I'm tired of trying things. I've attacked my brain from so many different angles and while I've seen some improvements there's a lot of things that still need to be improved. I'm more self aware, I'm more interoceptive, but it hasn't stopped the thoughts, it hasn't stopped me hating myself. Even though I've tried, I haven't learned self-love or self-compassion, I just want myself dead, I hate myself, I hate my brain. What's even shittier is I have a good life - I have a family that loves and supports me, I have amazing friends that love and support me, I'm polyamorous and I have three fucking partners and it's not enough to stop me from wanting to kill myself. I have a lot of trauma in my history - been raped multiple times, been used as a pawn in my parent's divorces, lost my brother to suicide, was bullied all through school, and dated some really shitty people that left their marks on me, been used abused and abandoned - but my life is good now, shouldn't that be enough for me to feel better?! Why am I not healing?!?

I thought that chasing the things that would make me happy and doing all the things to heal myself from my trauma would make these thoughts go away but they haven't. Some days they're quieter some days they're easy to push away, but the days like today where they're screaming and I can't get away from them always come back. Always. And I just feel like I can't escape. All I want is to be out of my head to be out of my body and to just have a break from these thoughts and these feelings but there is no way to do that it's impossible to get out of your own body and I hate that. I just want to be free from myself. I honestly hate how much my people love me because it's making me feel really guilty about the fact that I want to kill myself. This makes me want to be a hateful person and just push everyone away and isolate myself so that I won't feel guilty when I want to off myself. I hate this feeling. I hate the guilt, I hate the shame, and I hate that these feelings and thoughts don't stop. I just want to be free.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice here, I don't know that there's any advice that would even help me at this point. I'm already doing the things that anyone would advise me to do - I go to therapy weekly, I take my medications, I meet with my psychiatrist on a monthly basis to make sure that the medications that I'm on are the ones that are reacting properly with my body, I eat well. I don't exercise enough but I do exercise some. I've been very active in trying to heal myself and get better for more than 6 years now and I still want to kill myself. I keep being told "it gets better", fucking when?!? When will it get better?? I have moments where things feel better and I get some breaks from the suicidal thoughts but it never lasts more than a month. These thoughts always come back. I just want it to end!