I (37F) tried to discuss upgrading our phones, again, because my bank apps (which we both use frequently) are no longer supported. He (30M) was fine with this idea earlier today, texting and agreeing that we definitely do and as I use the app to make payments, I brought it up to figure out the most affordable and effective option.

So to paint a picture, I just picked him up from work after picking our daughter up from school. When we got to his workplace (early because I didn’t want to go home to sit for 15 minutes before leaving again), he was in a great mood and laughing with his coworkers. And he loves showing off our rescue dog so pretty dang happy.

Well, cut to the parking lot where we’re waiting for the takeout we called ahead for. I bring up the phones, for the first time today in person, and he loses it. Starts yelling and saying that he was looking for another job anyway and he might as well start working without asking me first. Confused, I asked how any of this is related but figured I knew where it might be going.

He asked me, yelling, how we would pay for new phones. Now, we actually have more than enough in our savings so yea pretty shocked at his reaction. I’m guessing it’s a deeper seeded thing but keep in mind our daughter is still in the backseat while he’s “yell explaining” that he’s going to just “do whatever he wants” because if I get the upgrade we both agreed on that same day...I would just be doing whatever I wanted “without asking”.

This goes even further. We get home and he notices I only mowed the side of the yard by our driveway. Normally I would do the whole yard but our rescue dog was freaking out because he has separation anxiety. So basically I only did what I could without him freaking out too much. I thought not only would he not mind but he would be glad I took part of some of it so he didn’t have to. NOPE. He started screaming about what the neighbors will think and saying now he can’t eat because he has to mow everything because otherwise we will look like idiots. Although he freaked out earlier about the phones, it’s not abnormal for him to go from 0 to 10 in seconds. And then pretend that nothing happened or say he doesn’t want to talk about it.

The kids are so used to his behavior, they don’t want to approach him with questions for fear of him blowing up. I usually have our youngest go in her room for a bit (the older two just leave automatically), in case he throws anything.

I can’t seem to just have an adult conversation about anything without him screaming at me or blaming me, the kids, his childhood, the neighbors, the economy, our house etc. or just shutting down and ignoring me completely. I’m mentally exhausted from walking on eggshells and physically exhausted from just keeping the house clean, taking care of our pets and kids by myself so he doesn’t freak out about that too.

Honestly not sure how to approach this and just have a normal conversation with him. Sorry this is crazy long. Any ideas please??

*Edited to add our ages/genders

*Update: the day after, ironically, I lost my voice due to severe allergies (really wish I was kidding). The subject has been put off ever since.