LONG post, apologies in advancr.

Married 16 years, one daughter.

Wife hit me with "we need to talk" before I left to take our daughter to school this morning.

When I got back, what she said was something I did not expect at all.

She asked me if I was OK and said she had significant concern about how I've not been regulating my emotions lately.

This is specifically referencing two recent incidents.

1 - Earlier that morning, I washed my hands in the bathroom that is on the same level in hour house as the kitchen. I went to dry my hands, but there was no towel in the bathroom. So, I walked to the kitchen for a paper towel. We were low on paper towels, so I walked over to the oven to reach for the kitchen towel that was hanging there. My wife gave me this irritated look and said, "Don't use the kitchen towel on your hands." I became defensive, and retorted, "Fine, I'll get another towel," dried my hands with the kitchen towel anyway, took it to the stairs to drop it in anticipation of my next trip upstairs (so I could take it to the laundry room to be washed), grabbed a clean kitchen towel from the dining room and hung it on the oven handle where the previous one was. My response and the tone are what triggered the "we need to talk" request.

2 - Also, yesterday while her friends were visiting, I let my emotions get away from me in front of them as well. We were planning to order food from a restaurant rather than me cooking dinner. We all agreed on a restaurant, but my daughter is particularly picky. We wanted pizza, but I knew our kid would not want pizza - for some reason, she only likes DiGiorno pizza. The restaurant had wings and a few pasta dishes I figured the kid would like, but she declined all my suggestions as we scrolled through the menu on my phone.. My wife let her know I wasn't making multiple stops while picking up the food. Slightly irritated, I asked my daughter to make up her mind. She goes "It's fine, I'll be alright." So I put my phone down and said "So, you're just not going to have anything. Is that what you're telling me?" Then my daughter goes, "Why are you so mad at me?" This set me off; I knew my daughter was just trying to get me to be willing to pick up food for her from somewhere else, which I wasn't going to do and which my wife told her I wasn't going to do. I felt my anger getting out of control and didn't want to raise my voice in front of company, so I left the room. I stormed upstairs, went to the bathroom, washed my hands, sat down on my bed and lotions my hands, and calmed down. Then I grabbed my coat and was about to call in the food order when my wife told me she already had. I left the house to pick up the food; on the way, my wife texts me "The storm off was embarrassing". This made me lose it and I began negatively internalizing very badly and crying. I was considering calling someone at my job's EAP for help, but figured it would take too long to get someone on the phone. I picked up the food, came home, apologized to my wife and daughter for my actions, and we had dinner.

Back to today - I sadly explained to her that I understood where I was wrong in those moments, and that I was under a lot of stress lately:

• I was recently promoted at work and learning this new, high exposure job has been a challenge. A lot of missteps, team and manager not having time to train me because they're busy, getting embarrassed during a meeting when I asked a bunch of questions wrong, etc.

• The holiday season is not my favorite time of the year, and it's mainly because of gift giving. I know I hate dealing with what to buy people, if I get them something that they'll like, etc. and the closer the person is to me, the more it bothers me... So when it comes to my wife, I struggle with getting her the right gift, hoping she'll like what I get her, stressing over budgeting for her gifts, etc.

Also, I recently had a death in the family - I'm very close with all 20 of my first cousins, and we lost one. It happened a week before Thanksgiving.

I explained all this, through my tears and shame. She asked if I was seeing anybody currently for therapy. My response: no. My PCP referred me to someone but their office has been slow with getting back to me to schedule an appointment since I completed their new patient paperwork last week. She asked if I e been using coping techniques I've been given from previous therapists for dealing with my emotional shifts; I told her that the only one I've been using recently is disengaging from a situation before I raise my voice, so I can give myself a moment to calm down. My wife commented that despite disengaging from situations, I've not been reserving my emotional response before disengaging, from her perspective. I took her comment as a note and apologized. She said she was concerned and asked what my next planned move was. I told her I would follow up with the therapist my PCP referred me to, today.

Then, she offered to buy me coffee from Starbucks since she was out of grounds to make coffee for the two of us at home. In my spiraling, I felt ashamed and undeserving of her putting any effort forward for me, and cried while reluctantly asking for an iced coffee with noting in it (I didn't want to waste the coffee creamer I have in the fridge).

She saw how I was spiraling and hugged me... And held on for a few beats.

I was totally expecting the conversation to go another way... Just wanted to show some appreciation for her, because she instead chose to express concern and support for whatever I was going through. I was ready to be attacked and browbeat, and instead she was willing to give me grace in a place where I felt I deserved none.