Obligatory note: longtime lurker, first time poster.

The tl;dr of the backstory is that my husband's mother has always been a bit of a Jocasta. I am 7 years older than he is, have a child (DS1) from a previous relationship and one(DS2) with my spouse. Together for 7 years married for 4. There is a laundry list a mile long of BEC type stuff. Literally the first time I met her was when my son and I were invited to spend the night at her home, she lived a few hours away, my now husband and I had a bed in a guest room. I woke up to her snuggling him awake in the bed.

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For a long time my SO said that she was just a really affectionate person, a really vibrant and big personality person. Me and him? Quiet introverted homebodies. After a while, we move in together, she started to think that I was a problem, he wasn't answering the phone as often, or visiting her often enough. He was busy, and a bit tired of her being so overbearing. I could go on at length about some other issues, but those are for other posts.

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On to today's issue and what I could use some feedback on: After an increasingly disturbing spiraling in her behavior, the crap hit the fan during a visit a few weeks ago. She came to town for her cousin's kid's wedding.

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She has spent the last several years talking crap about me to her entire family and giving their "feedback" to my SO. Going so far as to say to my SO that this particular bride had said that my SO "better not have kids with that fat cow".

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Surprise, surprise, her family and extended family have not been super warm or welcoming, we decided to not go to the wedding. We weren't rude, we politely declined the invitation, and as predicted the only person who cared was MIL.

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She admitted freely to being in several thousands of dollars in debt, to taking out a new line of credit to afford to come to this wedding, and needed a free place to stay. I say alright, because I want a decent relationship with my MIL. We made her as comfortable in our small home as we could, my eldest gave up his room willingly because he loves her.

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She spent most of the time here complaining about how I wouldn't go to the wedding, guilt tripping my SO for working while she was here (she told us a week before, and we had just used up PTO), ignoring my oldest, and generally being obnoxious.

She'd lay in bed all morning with the door shut on the phone to her sister, and tell my SO I was ignoring her and being rude.

She'd ask me to make another french press of coffee, drink a sip, act like she was throwing up and then let the rest go cold.

I cooked several meals for her, all pecked at and poo pooed, when SO was there for dinner time she took two bites and THREW UP AT THE TABLE ON PURPOSE. She had a surgery recently that if you don't take smaller bites and chew carefully you're going to puke, she knows this.

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After 2 days, I go grey rock. I stop giving her anything, I'm civil, giving her basic respect but not engaging anymore. She got trashed at the wedding, according to her own story she was rolling around on the floor, but sober. But other people there openly commented on her downing several glasses of champagne rather quickly. She ubered back to our place in the early hours, knocked on the wrong door (still claiming to be sober).

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At the end of this visit my SO is driving her to airport and she uses this time to regale him with her thoughts on me. This is his last straw, he pretty much tells her to stop, she needs to respect his decisions and choices and she needs to stop being horrible to me. She pouts and says shes just concerned for him and that I am controlling/abusive.

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So at my SOs request I've gone NC, she's blocked on all my social media. He himself has gone NC too. We haven't blocked her number yet and she's started on the nonstop calling and texting him a lot. He hasn't responded or answered her calls. She called me and left this crazy non-apology rant... this is word for word except names.

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"Hey blahtadah, it's MIL, I am assuming that you're angry at me and SO are not talking to me. And I'm certain I'm correct. I'm probably assuming its about what I said to SO when I was getting a ride, when I was permitted to see him for the like five minutes that weekend.

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It was an insanely obnoxious weekend and I tried and tried and tried to implore you to hear me out and attempt to be a part of my family. You obviously aren't interested in that. I am still trying to make it work. I'm pissed. I'm pissed! Totally fucking pissed. 'Cause every fucking thing I try to do to try and get you involved in my family doesn't work because you don't like anybody, well it's hard to like anybody if you don't get out and meet them.

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I'm just really struggling and I want so badly to get through this. And I can't believe that you guys are blocking me and not letting me be connected to my grandkids, and let me even talk to my husband!

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I'm certain he has his own little mind about this, he won't call me back either. But the two of you guys please if we could just engage in conversation I would be really really appreciative. Christmas is coming, I'm depressed as fucking hell, I'm so sick and tired of this fight, I'm not going to try to... I don't even know what, I just want to talk.

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We've never really had a clear opportunity to just be open and honest with each other. And I think that whatever's going on just needs to fucking stop. I NEED to talk to SO. And I NEED to talk to you and I want to clear the air.

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You're my only DIL that I have, he's my only son. So I just want you to think, if somebody did this, and if DS1 or DS2 ever didn't speak to you? I don't even know if you can comprehend how it hurts. It's awful!

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I can.. I can accept the fact that I'm wrong, and that my opinions are wrong, but, for crying out loud, please, give me a freaking chance. I am so sorry if I've offended the greater good, I don't know what else to do.

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I had an honest conversation with my son out of frustration. I am so mad that you wouldn't participate in the wedding. I was so mad! And i asked so nicely! And I was trying to be nice! And cool!

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And you're just so hellbent on "no" and I just was offended, I was offended and upset! It's frustrating! I don't think you get it! And I'm sorry! But I need to talk to either of you guys and clear the air. I'm SO frustrated and I'm very sorry and I'm so sad. I can't go on living like this without having SO in my life. I just can't. I miss DS2 and DS1, and I really wish we had a better.... and i'm cutting off now."

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Yeah... so she called my SO her husband. She never actually apologized, and she's rewriting history. SO wants to write an email to her, giving her our reasons for going NC, he wants my input but I'm not sure what to tell him. I asked him if it would be ok to post his drafted email to see if you wonderful folks have any pointers?

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Mom,

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First and foremost let me state that this was my decision to go no contact and no one else's. I also told blahtadah to block you on social media as part of our coordinated front of going no contact.

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On your voicemail you recently left blahtadah I got the impression you somehow feel this is her doing. Even though you were saying "I'm Sorry" your tone of voice was anything but apologetic. If anything you sounded righteous and angry at us for creating some distance and not wanting this stress in our lives. I don't know what right you have to be angry with us but I suggest you stop displacing your anger.

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Now on to the reasons why I've felt it's been necessary to go no contact:

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1. Not respecting my decision to be with my wife

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1. Not respecting our family set up and dynamics. Yes blahtadah really is in that much chronic pain and I do my hardest to provide for my family while she takes care of the home.

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1. Generally not being kind to blahtadah

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1. Showing favoritism to DS2 over DS1 - This last time in particular it seemed worse than usual and I think DS1 noticed it as well.

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1. With the issue of the wedding and being involved with family: If they wanted to be in contact with us, they've had 4 years to make an effort. Why should she want to go to a wedding when the bride thinks so lowly of her? If all the family has been hearing about her is all the negative things you've been saying about her - I'm not surprised to find that they dislike her. Furthermore I was annoyed that you felt you were in a position to force us to go. When that didn't work you tried every kind of guilt trip and emotional manipulation just like you did in this recent voicemail. I'm no longer a child and I'm free to make my own decisions. If I don't want to go - I'm not going and that's that.

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Frankly I guess I've been kind of skeptical that you're really ready to change your behaviors and address these issues I've just listed. Your voicemail you left blahtadah just reaffirmed my suspicions. It seemed emotionally manipulative and unremorseful. I feel like it wouldn't be long after letting you back into my life until you start chewing me out again just for being with the woman I'm married to and I don't want to deal with that. You can either respect my decision or not but you're not going to change it.

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I know I can't just go on running from the issue though so I wanted to write this to you. When you feel like you can sincerely address some of these issues then we can talk.

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Your son