Hey guys! I’m hoping to get some advice on how to best support my partner through his herpes diagnosis. Earlier this month my partner noticed some bumps on his shaft and recommended that we both get tested for anything and everything. About a year before we started dating he got a message from a girl he had casually hooked up with that she had tested positive for herpes and that he should get tested. He did and everything came back negative at the time. Well, lo and behold we both tested positive for HSV. Mine came back positive for HSV1 (we both have a history of cold sores, so I wasn’t particularly surprised), but his doctor didn’t specify whether his was HSV1 or HSV2. Naturally, he’s been on a roller coaster of emotions; shame, embarrassment, guilt, and is convinced that he got it from this former partner of his. The way I see it is this virus can lay dormant and go undetected for years, and being that we both have sexual histories prior to our relationship, I could’ve unknowingly contracted it and be the one to have given it to him. Or, my theory is that it got transmitted through giving and receiving oral sex, being that we both have a history of cold sores. Plus, HSV 1 and 2 is so common that I see it as a skin condition with a bad reputation. Yes, I know it’s an STI and should be taken very seriously and should ALWAYS be disclosed to sexual partners, but it’s also stealthy and can go undetected for so long and is notorious for false negatives so I can see how it’s so easily transmitted. To judge people for a herpes diagnosis would be extremely hypocritical from anyone now who has a sexual history.

Anyway, now that I have established a little background, I just want to know how I can best be supportive. My biggest concern is I can tell that his confidence has taken a major hit. He wasn’t the most confident guy to begin with, regardless of being the most amazing person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, and it kills me to see him so low. How can I be supportive without being dismissive? What has been helpful in moving forward and living with herpes for other people? I am open to any and all advice!!

Thanks!!!