PREFACE: This is not your typical post from a guy complaining that he can't get sex. I seek advice on the topic of grieving and acceptance**. Please read in full before you comment - sorry if it's long.**

I had originally posted a version of this on r/selfimprovement**, but people misunderstood my intent and my need. I recently discovered Dr. K on Youtube and I think this subreddit could be a more sensible place to share what I'm going through. Here we go:**

Three weeks ago, I (33M) have given up on sex. I am not interested in trying to find a life partner at the moment, nor am I interested in casual hook-ups. Thus, I had been looking for a regular "friend with benefits" for years and years, but I never really got what I was looking for. No luck with women on dating apps (obviously), but at least able to get some with men. But it's always a disappointment in the end. I feel like I was asking for so little (sexual chemistry consistency), but it just doesn't work out. I had redoubled my efforts this year and met with several "candidates" over the past few months, and it went nowhere. After years of disappointment, I had decided it was time for a "last call" and I gave myself until my birthday to find a regular sex partner or just give up. Without surprise, I found nobody.

I'm basically undergoing a "hope burn out". I cannot keep searching. The emotional and time investments into Grindr and other platforms are becoming overwhelming, when it's only to be let down again and again.

In my mind, getting a partner for regular gay sex should have been rather easy. Guys are easier. We're always horny. And I'm tall, handsome, and gifted in bed. It shouldn't be this hard to attract and retain the right mate. I am not one of those guys who are insecure about their looks or socially awkward, quite the opposite. I look good, I smell nice, I dress well, I have charm, all that jazz. This is not a post about being unable to get sex. I can and I have. I could pick up a stranger on Grindr for a quick and easy anonymous hook-up if I wanted to, but that does not interest me. I am not here looking for conventional encouragements about "getting back in the game with a can-do attitude" or banal advice to "focus on yourself and your hobbies, hit the gym, and put yourself out there". And I do not need pity or sympathy.

What I am looking for is advice and tips on ways to grieve this dream I had. I need to make peace with the fact that my lover simply does not exist outside of my fantasies. Looking at the bigger picture, it also means that down the line, I will also most likely never find love: I don't see how I could find someone that is compatible with me on all the levels required to make a relationship work (sex, values, commitment, sense of humour, common goals, communication, family, etc.) when I couldn't even find someone compatible for just sex. This is not as painful to me right now, because love is not something I was after at this stage in my life anyway.

As of my birthday, I have deleted all apps and profiles intended to meet someone. I even stopped masturbating, without really planning to, but in the hope that it could help to calm down my libido if I did not watch porn or think about sex as much as I used to.

Perhaps I'm wrong to feel this way, but I cannot help but feel betrayed by life. At least, the other unfulfilled promises that society had made to young men of my generation (a good income thanks to a college degree, access to real estate, the enventuality of retirement, etc.) depended on macroeconomic factors largely out of my control. But sexual liberation? Finding another dude to have sex with on a weekly basis in the large city that I inhabit? That did not sound outlandish to me. Maybe I have a sense of entitlement? Maybe friends with benefits mostly exist in fiction? Anyhow, I feel let down by life; and this disheartening disappointment is all I can think about lately.

I need to come to terms with the fact that it's not going to happen. I need a path to inner peace.

So far, I've been listening to podcasts, guided meditations and hypnosis files about letting go of desires, embracing loneliness, practicing detachment, etc. Still, I find it incredibly painful and difficult to accept that it's game over for me. I feel amputated of a whole area of my future. By way of comparison, imagine that you were an amateur guitar player, whose passion it was to play music. You have your job, your friends, your family; but playing guitar is your favorite hobby, it's meaningful to you. An now, imagine that you got into an accident that caused a permanent injury to your fingers, such that you will never be able to play again. This is how I feel about my sexuality. A significant part of me will never be fulfilled. How does one even begin to deal with that?

Again, I'm not looking for pity (and I apologize if this post comes off as whiny - I'm just laying my current feelings bare); and I am not looking for encouragements or tips on how to find someone (I've been trying for a decade and I'm all out of hope). What I am looking for is advice on coping and making peace with my sexless future. Any book I should read? Anyone in a similar situation who could show me the way to acceptance?

EDIT: I must stress again the fact that I am NOT looking for advice on how to get sex (that's not the issue) or a friend with benefits (I came here because I have given up on that). I am already focusing on myself, my work, and my hobbies. What I am looking for is advice on the grieving process, tips on ways to make peace with this massive disappointment in my life. I am not trying to change my situation anymore; I am here seeking help for ACCEPTANCE. Thank you.

EDIT 2: I just want to express my deepest gratitude for all the insightful, challenging, empathetic and positive comments so far! This community is amazing! These are exactly the kind of thought-provoking discussions I was hoping for, and I'm very glad that everyone is being so respectful! You have given me a lot to reflect on; keep it coming!