He has been dealing with depression for 2 years. When he’s depressed he sleeps 22 hours a day, they other two are spent drinking. He felt like he couldn’t handle going to Christmas, and I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay awake for it. I spent the night at my parents house with our 4 year old, went to his parents the next morning and then came home. He was asleep on the sofa, I showered, our daughter played. We went to see my grandma. I got a text from him asking for me to bring home ice. I called him at 3:45 asking if I could bring it by after I went to his parents house to pick up the gifts, he said yeah. I came home at 5:15 and called 911. He was cold.

I just needed to type it out, to make it seem real. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what to do or say with his parents and brother. We were together for 13 years. We were engaged but considered ourselves married, the piece of paper didn’t matter much. We don’t know how he died. I hate that my last moment of seeing him was pulling him off the sofa by his feet and doing cpr.