Nan past away in August and I know that isn't long ago but still struggling. A variety of things have come up since then and it has all got to much. I have started some counselling provided by my university so hope it'll do some good soon. I know grieving is a long process but this time feels much worse. When my grandad past I still had Nan and their house to hold onto memories now with her gone and the house sold, that whole part of my life feels just gone. My Nan was religious so at the hospice her vicar came along to pray with her, he came out to me and Mum and asked if we wanted to pray, I dare not say no despite I am of no faith as I didn't want to upset Nan or my Mum. So, we did a prayer and the vicar said it was 'God's plan'... To this day I hate that with all my heart, how dare God stop my Nan's legs from working, led her to falling out of bed and breaking her arm, then a trip to the hospital, followed by x-rays and tests to find out she has cancer of the bones, and two other places and then two weeks later to die... All that in six short weeks and it's all part of 'God's plan'... I want to scream so loud that I pass out that the thought of this almighty being is willing to end someone's life so quickly and so painfully because it's in his vision to do so... I hope one day I see my Nan again, I just hope not via 'God's plan'...

This is a small piece I wrote about her just to, I don't know, make myself feel a little better...

'Some people may not to be able to describe what kind of person you're but I have always had the words to describe you, 'God's gift'. Any time I describe you, I've always used those two words and when people eventually met you, they agreed. Such a kind, loving and generous Wife, Mum, Nan, Great Nan and Friend.

It shouldn't be all sad this memory of you, the times we spent together were magical. Disneyland Paris as a family and spending a fantastic time together, all the 'Disney Magic' of the characters, shows and rollercosters. The peaceful time we went to Clevedon until Gramp got suck in the shop doorway trying to get round to onto the pier while the shop lady shouted at him! The number of trips to Bristol over the years walking for miles looking for the Gromit statues for 'The Grand Appeal' and that one time in Bristol we were driving back home and you saw a young boy get rejected by his Valentine crush and you said 'Why don't I throw this cupcake at him to cheer him up'! And the two incredible trips to America to see Ali, Shaun, Sam and Jordan, traveling to Austin, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, seeing a near naked eighty year old man walking down the strip while me and Mum zip lined passed you!...

Wherever you're right now, with Gramp, some day, I want to be there with you.'