A massive storm hit my area last night and knocked out power at 7:30PM. No matter, I was planning to sleep through the new year anyway. I read r/griefsupport as much as I could--worried about running out of battery by morning. I probably fell asleep around 8:45 and awoke at 11:30 in complete darkness to the sounds of fireworks somewhere near by. An apt reflection of what life has been since my dad was admitted on Dec 10th and passed away on Dec 12th: darkness all around me while life for everyone else goes on. I tried to fall back asleep, determined to stick to my plan of letting 2022 pass me by instead of awaiting the new year, but I couldn't fall asleep (wouldn't fall asleep until hours later). In the darkness I felt around the sometimes unfamiliar landscape of my childhood home and made it to the family room in the back of the house. This was a room my dad put a lot of blood and sweat into, remodeling it from an enclosed patio into a warm gathering place. Bookshelves that he varnished and built line the room holding my dad's library--I ran my hand along them to navigate the room. Here was the table where he wrapped up work and in retirement set-up a little Ebay storefront to share his CD collection. There a flannel he wore on Thanksgiving at my house. Finally, I reached the couch--his couch, his spot. It was here where it all went wrong--the last place he touched before he went to the hospital. How many times had I found him here dozing in front of the TV? How many times did I sit behind him watching movies or concert footage? How many times did I hug him here? Kiss him here? Tell him I loved him here? The blanket I had left hours before was still there, and I wrapped myself up in it. I thought of the photos I had gone through earlier the day and all of the NYEs we had together in this house and even in this very room. I remember the time you brought home real firecrackers and set them off inside a cardboard box that you threw in the street--the noise was deafening. I checked my phone: 11:59PM. The screen went dark and I checked it again: 12:00AM. I heard more fireworks in the distance. "Happy New Year, Dad" I spoke into the darkness. And then I cried. I went to kiss mom and told her it was 2023. I went back to where I was sleeping--where you always slept--and tried to fall asleep. But I normally distract myself with my phone until I pass out, and because the power was still out I just laid there in the darkness, listening to the fireworks going on, and trying to fall asleep. But my mind wandered. I entertained those unhelpful what-ifs I have been trying to avoid. I thought about how awful December 10th and 11th were and the 12th, the worst day of my life. I thought of you living. I imagined your laugh. I missed you terribly. I miss you terribly.

And now I face the first day of the first year without my dad. A new year without you, dad.