Thought I'd start the new year with some levity. Here's a GWA-oriented take on a certain, infamous rant.

Script: Psycho Sorority Sister Blues

Tags: [F4A] [Lengthy, unhinged rant] [Cray cray speaker] [Random SHOUTING] [Non-stop profanity] [In case you hadn't noticed WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR!!1!11!] ["...people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING."] [Orgy planning] [Big navy seal copypasta energy] Kind of a [shitpost] [Based on a true story]

Disclaimer: This is a fantasy post written by an adult, intended for an adult audience only. All characters depicted are 18 or over. No sorority sisters were harmed during the making of this script.

Shameless self-promotion section: Looking for something a bit different? My latest and greatest scripts include the following: | Careful What You Witch For | All The Things I Would Do To You |Excuse You? |

For the truly daring among you, my unwieldy script repository may be found here.

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Psycho Sorority Sister Blues

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(Long sigh of frustration.)

Okay.

Here we go.

If you just clicked 'play' on this little message like I told you to, then go grab some handcuffs or whatever, and strap yourselves in, bitches, 'cause this voicemail is going to be a WILD FUCKING RIDE.

Now, for those of you who have been living under a rock for the past MILLENNIUM, which is apparently everyone in this entire GODDAMN chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of fraternization events and casual hookups with Kappa Omega Kappa. I've been getting text after text about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're listening to this message right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee, [Name], I've been having so much fun with my sorority sisters this week!", then smack yourself upside the head RIGHT NOW so that I don't have to fucking track you down on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying FUCK, and Kappa Omega Kappa does not give a flying FUCK about how much you love hanging out with your sisters. You have the entire goddamn year to trade gossip with your brainless fucking BFFs and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat, NOT ONE OF THEM! This week is about hosting a kickass orgy for the Greek community, and that's not FUCKING POSSIBLE if you're gonna just stand around awkwardly and watch while REAL sorority sisters like me do ALL the fucking WORK.

And don't even GET ME STARTED on your weak-ass cock-sucking techniques. Where did you guys learn to give head? In a fucking CONVENT? Nibbling on someone's scrotum and then waggling your dry-ass tongue around someone's foreskin for two fucking seconds is NOT an acceptable fucking blowjob. "But... but [Name]!" I hear you protesting at your phone in your squeaky lil' bitch voice, "I fake gagged and everything!" FUUUUUUCKKK OFFFF!1!!1! Jesus fucking CHRIST. Let me draw you bitches a diagram, because apparently you're all having such a hard time getting this through your thick fucking skulls. THAT'S NOT HOW YOU SUCK A COCK YOU DUMB FUCKING BIMBOS I swear to God, the next one of you who says that to me, I WILL DOXX YOU AND COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND BEAT YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY TO DEATH WITH A FUCKING HORSE DILDO. COMPRENDE? Maybe you should all just ask your STUPID FUCKING boyfriends how to do it, since they apparently know more about eating dick than YOU do.

Newsflash, you stupid cunts: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: KAPPA OMEGA KAPPA IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO COME TO OUR ORGIES IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. (awkward pause) And... NOT IN A GOOD WAY!

This also goes for you little pricks that have talked openly about post-gaming at a different frat in front of our Kappa brothers. Are you people insane in the brain? (That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're fucked in the head so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night-time events.) If Kappa Omega Kappa openly said "Yeah, we're gonna host our orgy over at Theta's", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No, you wouldn't be, so why the FUCK would you DO IT TO THEM?? Like, right in FRONT OF THEM?!?!?!?!? First of all, you SHOULDN'T be doing post-game orgies at other frats. I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO."

(Slightly calmer.)

Oh, and this brings me to the subject of free use. Namely, how un-FUCKING-believably awful you all are at it. "But [Name]," I hear you whining, like the whiny little shits that you are, "I'm *soooo* good at free use! Everyone tells me that!" WELL, EVERYONE IN YOUR FUCKING FAMILY MAYBE, 'CAUSE LET'S FACE IT YOU'D HAVE TO BE FUCKING INBRED TO BE THIS FUCKING LEVEL OF STUPID. (Aw, you didn't like hearing me call you stupid? Well, CRY ME a motherfucking RIVER!)

Dear sisters of mine, let me paint you a portrait: I'll have you know that I graduated top of my class in the art of free use, and have been involved in more than 300 secret orgies, on campus and off. I can get someone off in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands, You are nothing to me but another ditzy wannabe e-girl with some basic-ass daddy issues. If you wanna stay in our sorority, you'd better prepare for the storm, you little maggots. If you're not ready to guzzle a beer barrel's worth of jizz and get passed around like a fucking rag doll then don't even talk to me. In fact, don't even bother showing up tonight. I'm dead serious.

And for those of you who STILL don't get it, let me pen you an encyclical: If you're gonna be one of those weird shits that does... weird shit like just stand around in the corner while everybody else is trying to get it on, or say stupid shit like "durr what's CBT?" THEN DON'T FUCKING SHOW THE FUCKING FUCK UP! AT ALL! ***EVER***!!!

And for those of you who are getting offended by this message, and getting your panties all in a twist, I would say I'm sorry, but I don't REALLY GIVE a fuck. Go fraternize yourselves.

Signed, [Name].