I think I'm jealous, he said. I'm jealous again

I know you've got some things going on, and it's just not easy for me;

And I know he's right. It's not easy

Not for anyone

Especially not for him, not for someone who is

Careful.

I bought him a new cock ring; I bared my interior last night, the rind of it, red and slippery, and looked at him over my shoulder;

I call his name and kiss the back of his knee and I love him,

I love him all the time. But

Men always do this. Men always want

What you can't give them.

I think about the youngest, standing by the shelves in the back of his cold storage room, doing inventory, December breathing through the hours

Looking at my tits on his phone--he sent me a smile, so I sent him a message

Do you want some sleepy tittties?

And of course he does, his sweet face like a drop of honey

Swallowed whole

And I think about the other one, slowly stroking his cock while he watches my nipples harden, my breasts shake

Phone propped up beside his monitor

His friends bleating through the mic, asking what the hell he's doing, why is he so fucking lax tonight

And I remember the long, pink cock he sent me yesterday

And the confession I received the day before that, so overwhelmed by dick

I rolled my eyes

And sucked my fingertip, planning

How I would cum that afternoon

And I think yeah, okay.

I get it.

I wish it made me happy. I wish that they were you

That's the horror of it, that's what I want, what I can never ever have--I am chasing distractions that have different names, and I blow them kisses whenever I can, I promise, I'm good to them, I'm good--

I would trade almost everything

Anything I have, whatever I have

I would give up my middle name, I would eat so much snow I choked, I have tried so hard to break time

For you.

Come back to me, I think, and then I hit send

And throw away

What you promised was precious to you. I have to ruin so many parts of myself

I have to destroy so many things

To escape this pain--

It is scarring, finally. But the sacrifices it has demanded

The blast zone

The crater, the echo of the explosion

Have changed me forever.

I think about you sitting on the floor, staring out of the window at the sunset

Three days before I had to leave

I think about you in the morning, your wet cock slipping gingerly between my thighs while you clutch my ribs,

A half-smile

A whisper

I think about you--

And I know it will always be like this, my love. I will always want

What you can't give me.