No kittens have come in contact with the former or latter, thankfully. That'd be silly after all; it'd be more like a litter pie and I don't deal with rubbish food. You can see me here. The kitten is not being held hostage, despite its demeanour. I swear it's entirely his choice...

I'm located in the middle of the United Kingdom and can travel most places, provided it's in Europe. Ideally I'd be looking for something long term, but I certainly won't say no to just meeting a few people and seeing how things pan out. As tradition dictates I do enjoy being the one in control of things, but I like to earn it and sometimes I'm partial to some role reversal, so brats may tick their 'can I misbehave?' box which, ofcourse, isn't without its own dangers. I've got a chest of toys that buzz, slap, wriggle and bind, too, but mostly I'm looking for someone to shovel food in their mouth while gracing me with their company. The latter is non-negotiable and may be the result of the aforementioned bindings.

Limitations include anything that's a disease implication or a crime against humanity. That doesn't mean I'm against getting in trouble, but I'm adverse to anything that may land me in a cell with a different kind of partner. Also feet; they go through enough in a day, I feel, the poor guys.

I'm a romantic at heart and as such, want to fall a bit head over heels for someone and have the same given to me. I'm not one for traditional roles and I like to help where and when I can, but essentially I'm looking for someone to unload all of my excitement onto at the end of a day who looks forward to seeing me as much as I do them.

Now, to liven up this wall of text, I suggest we play a game. I'll tell you two truths and a lie, then it's your choice to decide which is factual, but truly the only way to find out is to enquire. What a shame! Anyway:

I weighed 24st/160kg at one point of my life.

I have an extensive collection of shiny cardboard and I'll never recover financially from it.

I suffer greatly with anatidaephobia to the point rain concerns me, which makes life hard as a Brit.

While you ponder about the relativity of the prior, I'll let you know about me and we can see if we can't give you a few hints or scare you off. I build engines for three major car manufacturers as my trade, but I was originally in architecture due to a fondness of gothic buildings (there's loads around here and I'm going to show you each one, I'm sorry) and a chance encounter. I love to exercise but hate gyms, so I have my own set up at home plus I cycle 10 miles/16km a day.

I have a great love of food, as hopefully would've come across by now. I endeavour to paint in my spare time, but often opt out of that for a nap on the sofa. I spend way too much time watching unqualified youtubers talk about history and then present their bias as my own knowledge. Animals are massively intriguing to me, so don't be surprised if you catch me reading up on a weird snail for the best part of an hour. I see alot of my life as experience gathering for a fantasy epic I hope to write when I'm old enough to have time but not see the screen infront of me. My music taste has mellowed out over the years but havent changed a great deal, so expect alot of System of a Down mixed with Eminem and a dose of ELO in there.

Thank you for getting to the end of this and hopefully I've piqued your interest. Feel free to reach out to me and let me know if you're interested or if you just enjoyed the read. Don't be shy; something amazing could be waiting for you.