I have always been financially independent. I am the breadwinner in my family and support a rather large family. When date I often pay for things or at least pull my weight so to speak financially. I often pay for friends and i like spoiling other people. I have to remember to occasionally let other people pay for things.

I'm poly and play with some subs online and in person. I try to make sure that it's not a financial thing. I feel guilty even asking them to purchase toys for themselves. It feels like I should be providing that. In person I of course have many of my own toys I have purchased for myself.

I'm now at a point where financially I am struggling to keep everything afloat. I'm okay and it will be okay but all of my extras have been cut to almost nothing. Not that anything was extravagant before but you notice the little things when you can't afford them anymore.

I find myself daydreaming about being spoiled. I've never experienced that in my life. I've always been dominant and self sufficient. I don't like relying on other people and I hate when things have strings. Which is partly why I've stayed away from the financial domme thing. It would be one thing if it was a job but this is for my own enjoyment not a gig.

I think I might be rambling. I suppose where I am going with this is that I feel like I can't express this as a need because it will come off as scammy. That is so prelevent these days. But it's not something i feel is appropriate to spring on someone after a relationship is developed.

It is obviously something I can live without I am just feeling undesirable today. Unworthy of the effort. It was my birthday yesterday and I received one gift from my best friend.

If anyone has any advice or just hugs I would appreciate it.