yesterday was rough- i pulled an all-nighter and possibly failed a test. decided to skip a date with my rebound to take the night for myself, stay in and watch some bojack

i open my email to find that you’d requested me as a reference (possibly last month, but i’m curious as to why i’m just getting it). so i spend a couple minutes filling out the form, knowing you’d have done the same for me. if hindsight gives one rose tinted glasses, it didn’t spare me- you were a good person, and good for this position, though you weren’t right for me.

i see today morning that your friend had messaged me again, as he often does on drunk nights out with you. “missed you tonight, hope you’re doing well!”

i realize that y’all had probably gone out and i check the insta story of a girl we both met on a weird night out in december- the one where you screamed at me, in front of everyone, for (what you thought was) flirting with another girl. she’s playing with your tie in a video she reposted, and then posted a picture of you in the tie, holding a boom box. i’m filled with jealousy and anger, but i tell myself that i have to move on. that it doesn’t matter if the two of you have a thing- ultimately i’m doing this for myself. id be lying if i said it didn’t hurt, but i’m reassured by the fact that it isn’t as bad as i’d thought it’d be. she seems basic but hey, maybe she’s nice, and we’re all just looking for happiness- maybe you can give it to her. it’s funny how both times you broke up with me, there seemed to be another girl waiting for you. just another sign that it wouldn’t have worked. i should have been able to trust you.

maybe i am moving on, finally. maybe it’s possible to be friends. i know i should have been more forgiving to you, but thinking about your good qualities makes it that much harder to move on. i need to work on myself though, i need this time to build the life that i’ve wanted for myself. i guess what’s different this time is that i’m convinced/convincing myself that i’d be better off for being without you as a crutch, and i’m not gonna reach out until i’m in a genuinely healthy place.