my first time posting here but i’ve been a longtime lurker. i was the dumpee of an incredibly toxic relationship (read my post history if you want context) that officially ended on january 1, but this’ll be our...5th? time breaking up lol

Most recently, we broke up/tried NC in October, got back together in November when I had a bit of a mental health crisis, and he was relatively supportive for the next month and half, as I began a partial hospitalization program and really started working on myself. However, as it does, our old issues started to pop up; I was lucky to be in therapy during this time and realized that we both deserve better, and that I can’t force him to work on himself, acknowledge his mistakes, give me a fundamental level of respect in how he treats/talks to me, or love me in the way I need.

It’s really hard and I keep thinking about this- I want to banish him from my mind and I know that’ll take time. There are a couple of concerns I have though

1) I was a hot mess after this breakup- so upset at the thought of losing what felt like my only source of support, I tried to pressure him into a FWB arrangement (dishonoring my own needs/values in the process, as well as his). He wanted to stay friends, and we tried hanging out on 1/7 but it was a mess, we just kept talking about the relationship/breakup despite my not intending to. I mentioned not being able to stay friends at the moment, left his apartment and, a couple minutes after leaving, called him and abruptly told him I needed space and that no contact would be best. He messaged me a week later to ask me how I felt (no doubt bc I didn’t ask him how his interview went) but I didn’t respond. I’m wondering if I need to explain my reasoning behind NC a little more clearly and establish better boundaries, bc I feel like I’m in the wrong for kinda ghosting him, but I’m also afraid that this is capitulating to my desire to talk to him.

2) I am genuinely interested in being his friend eventually, but I don’t want to contact him until I can be absolutely certain that I’m not doing it with the hope of getting back together. Not sure if anyone here has gotten to that point with someone, or has any insight to share on this process.

3) We have a mutual friend’s party on the 8th that I’ll definitely be attending. I’m nervous about seeing him there. Also debating if, in the case he reaches out to me for my birthday on the 20th, I’ll respond to him

I know I should be taking it slow but it’s hard not to jump to the future, fantasize about talking to him again. Posting here to get all my thoughts out, but I would love any feedback you folks have.

Stay strong y’all, and thank you <3