This journey was absolutely worth it, and I wouldn't be here if I hadn't taken the steps I needed to take for my mental health. But it's been 2 and a half years. And it's still lonely.

I have my partner and I'm so grateful for him. It feels unhealthy and awful to admit, but I don't think I would've made it this far without him. Even with his amazing help and company, it feels awful to not have friends outside of him.

I know part of it is on me. I'm not really willing to go downtown past a certain time, and most MeetUp groups and things of that kind happen in the evenings. Downtown is pretty far, and since I'm still struggling with employment, gas is a consideration. I've tried a bunch of Discord groups, but it's really hard to actually connect with people beyond short interactions that don't really translate to anything of quality. I'm also autistic, and I know that messes up a lot of social interactions because I might be giving off "weird" vibes with my body language and tone without intending to.

I had amazing friends at one point in college, but they're all busy with their own lives now, understandably so. It's really hard to get us all to come together, and it happens maybe once every 3-4 months. I've tried taking initiative, but I get caught in this weird loop of being depressed and not used to socializing and struggling to initiate, and because I'm not socializing I get more depressed and not used to it.

So many people talk about community, the importance of it. I don't know how to build that, or how to invest time and energy into an existing attempt at one. Everything I try feels...off. Whenever I try to join a group based on common interest, it kind of feels like it's only acceptable to talk about the interest that the group is for, and I don't have any interests that I exclusively want to talk about all of the time. I want friends that I can talk about anything to - things going on with my day, with my week, without it being "weird" because it's not what the group is for. I want someone I can call to go get a coffee with, or just chat with.

I don't know how to find or build that.