After a series of unfortunate events throughout the years, on Saturday something happened, that seems so small and it sent me over the edge to genuinely thinking about killing myself.

I've been in such a dark place for such a long time..and ive been in utter denial with how much drugs have truly affected things.

I've thought about dying, I've thought about suicide, but I'm Saturday, I scared myself with how okay I was with taking my own life. Luckily I have a really cool brother who's gift to this world is patience and the ability to talk someone into not giving up.

I spent the evening looking into sober living and stumbled upon a facility that medicaid covers for an intense inpatient detox and then following that an intense outpatient program.

I'm moving back in with my father after detox, which will be difficult because he's also my biggest trigger. But we're also very similar and I think me going through this program might help repair our relationship.

I'm nervous. I hav never been through a formal recovery process in any sense of the word. I'm afraid of being sober. I'm nervous to go through life without the one thing in my life that has always been available and consistent.

But I have so much healing to do. From childhood trauma, to narcissistic abuse and other psychological tortures, to my physical health. And though I've always been a highly functioning addict, I'm so tired of being resilient and resourceful and constantly falling into the same patterns that only make me feel dependent, stupid and weak. Especially after realizing how truly alone I've been throughout my entire existence.

I just want to feel like myself and not have to rely on drugs to do that l. So hears to trying.