TLDR I am a year removed from the worst birthday I have ever had and feel so much better right now. For those of you wondering when this experience will stop feeling like a death blow, know that it gets better eventually.

Just over a year ago, February 16th 2023, my then wife asked for a separation, which eventually was finalized with a divorce.

The end of our marriage was difficult for me. I struggled socially growing up, but our relationship was an exception. We met in sixth grade - we were seated right next to eachother alphabetically at the start of the school year - and we were close friends ever since. We dated through high school and were that classic inseparable couple who finished each other's sentences. My extended family were so sure that we'd marry that they wagered bets on when it would happen.

We moved in. We got married. Happily ever after, or so we thought. But in our thirties, erything started to unravel: I now recognize that we had long-term sleep issues. I believe it is due to hypersensitivity related to autism, though I am still working on a diagnosis. She is the loudest snorer I have ever known, and a nightly bedwetter due to childhood trauma that she suffered. The stress of the pandemic, plus a death in the family, made things worse for both of us. Eventually we tried sleeping in separate bedrooms. That was a huge mistake.

Sleeping in separate beds eroded her trust, which was already low from her childhood trauma. Without her trust, I lost my self-confidence. We were codependent on each other in a really unhealthy way. I know all this now, but at the time I was flailing, desperate to try anything else but sleeping in the same bed again. No matter what I did, our problems worsened. Eventually we did share a bed, but it was too late. I couldn't stay sleep. And she wouldn't fall asleep. We tried counseling, but it was too late, and two weeks after our first session she asked to separate.

Fast forward to the 28th of February, my birthday. I'd moved in with an old friend from college who lived down the street from us.

I will never forget those first few weeks alone, the crushing loneliness, and the hopelessness. I was turning 31 and I felt like I had nothing to show for it in my life. My head was balding, hair was graying, body decaying, and I had lost the most important person in my life.

A year later I've got a renewed focus; I lost forty pounds through a combination of diet & fitness, started taking sleep meds, started regularly talking to a therapist, and dedicated all that time I previously spent on my marriage into learning a new career path (software development). Since October, I have an internship as a web developer and will be seeking a job in full-stack web development within six months. I see what went wrong in my life with a clarity that I wish I had before, and a sharp understanding of our failings as a couple. I don't look back longing for our marriage anymore. I don't torture myself with what-ifs. My birthday this year was boring, quiet, but it is so infinitely better than last year's birthday that I spent alone, wondering if she would call me back and give us another chance. I know we failed and I made peace with that.

You'll feel better eventually. I promise you. You will feel better. I can't guarantee when. I can't predict that. But I can tell you that you will feel it.

Best of luck.