I look around the small conference room, my department assembled in it. It's not a particularly numerous one (albeit a pretty damn irreplaceable as far as the function of this company goes) but there are enough people to fill the space completely. A full department meeting is extraordinary enough to have them worried... And my expression is not helping matters, set and serious. I ask myself for the last time if I'm really doing this... And decisively nod inwardly. I will probably regret it, but it has already been taken too far to be backing out now.

"Thank you all for coming", I begin. Not that it was a choice, of course. "I believe it will be easier in place of an introduction to play a recording off one of the security cameras here in the office". I press a button and the image appears on the screen showing two men and a woman from behind, all three leaning back on a balustrade, coffee cups in hand, exhaustion visible in their postures. Sharp intakes of breath tell me the people pictured know it's them, even without any visible faces. A moment later it starts playing and the voices can be heard, even though there is little movement of the figures themselves.

"Cannot believe she is working us so hard and then has the gall to ask us how she can improve our experience!", the figure on the right, a.k.a. Craig (whose face is very white now) scoffs. "I dunno, she can work naked for a day to make me feel better?". The sentiment is clearly shared by the other man, namely Mark, who, in contrast, looks to be on the edge of a stroke. "Good idea, and to grab any parts that stick out too. You know, for company morale". One might have expected some female solidarity from the third person (yes, her name is Karen; no, she's not a karen usually; yes, she does look like she wants the conference room floor to swallow her), but none showed. "I'd whip her ass for every late evening too", she adds. "Since we're talking about her naked, might as well take it a step further and teach her a proper lesson. Like don't get me wrong, I get it's a vital time and she's trying as hard, but ffs, it's been a hard month". Well, perhaps that counts as girl-girl support?

I hit pause and let the shocked silence hang in the air. The trio know who they are. Others can figure it out too. All are expecting the imminent fallout. They will never be hired in the industry again, at the very least. Your next sentence only confirms the conclusion. "I've spoken to the CEO and the HR", you say. "It was a difficult discussion to say the least. Long story short... we agree to implement your suggestions".

You find that you have no problem continuing in the stunned disbelieving silence, apart from convincing your tongue to actually move and say these things outloud. "You will get the emails with full conditions, but in a nutshell, you as a group will come up with a way I can motivate you to reach your targets for each week, with the activity itself on Friday subject to you reaching them. There are rules in place, of course, HR won't let anything threatening health and safety or office hygiene take place, there will be no contact between me and any part of you other than your hands, there will be nothing that goes outside our department's space. Other than that... Start planning".

____

Dear all,

I hope the plot is fairly self-explanatory! I would prefer a longer-term arrangement where we play out many Fridays in a row (with any time in between that stands out too!), each with a new way for me to entertain my subordinates. Please put a basic level of effort into the first message and please respect the limits stated. Speak soon!