Meant to post this with a throwaway but will just delete it later.

So, I got a new job in November. During the training, I instantly fall for the girl covering my break. Let's call her Jo. Also sorry in advance. I am just writing down my thoughts and may seem out of place.

Jo said, "Go for a break." Anyway, it gets busy, the roster moves around for maybe 1 or 2 months. Of course, new environment and a lot of new faces. A few months ago she was moved to the same roster as me and it seems to be permanent or at least going to be like this for a while. I can't stop looking at her and her perfume always gets me whenever she walks past me. I was settling down, not a crazy crush. Just enjoy being around her. I didn't need to do anything, nothing serious, just some beautiful girl I like to watch. (No, not in a creepy pervy way. I just enjoy watching her beautiful face and trying to catch her smile. She rarely smiles at all.) I mean, the world wouldn't end without her. She may have already had someone and I already have someone. Things won't work anyway, The stage of Acceptance. (Before you all come bashing at me, I am in an ENM relationship.)

Life gets busy and got me stressed from work, mortgage, bills, and mental health. For a few weeks, I have had my worst days and I don't know why. I feel cramped and don't enjoy going to work. It is just a duty, to get money. I didn't realize or recognize Jo isn't coming to work. (My work is two days on and Two days off and sometimes the workstation I have to work at is pretty isolated). So, it caught on. I started worrying if she has quit or changed the roster or moved the department. But she's the star of our team, my supervisor always keeps me updated if there's a change in the roster or if anyone is moving from our work (I am second in charge.) So, I realized she's on leave for maybe a holiday. I heard the news from My supervisor telling me a couple of our team members and coming back from holiday including Jo. I was happy. I have decided to give in and act on what my heart tells me. I mean at least to do something.

I am introverted and have social anxiety. I wanted to say things like "Good Morning Jo. You look beautiful." "Hi, pretty." "You cut your hair. It suits you." "I really like your nails." But they are just inside voices. Nothing comes out of my mouth. At least I learn to smile at her whenever we locked our eyes. 2 weeks ago, she and I were assigned close by and I can't stop looking at her. This time, I don't pretend or control myself. I don't let my production down or affect my work tho. whenever she's in my view, I just can't stop looking at her. I think she knows too. Sometimes, I almost feel like she was looking at me when I wasn't. She barely talks to me and I feel like she may be too shy or feel like I'm unapproachable because I am second in charge and she always goes directly to others instead of coming to me even tho I am close by. Then I thought what if she's in the same boat? Could it be? Maybe, just maybe she might have a crush on me too.

One time we locked eyes, it was just a second and yet felt eternity. None of us smile. It felt right, it almost feels like we were linked and everyone else disappear.

I made a move. I put a smiley on a chocolate and slipped it into her bag. (I have done this twice so far. Last week and yesterday.)

Today, she finally talks to me for more than a second. Asking for something she should know where to find it. She called out my name so perfectly. So soft that I almost didn't hear it and I didn't even look back because I thought I imagined it I was alone in the room. Then when I turn around as I was watching the cups (work equipment), she was standing there and asked me if I know where we keep that stuff. I helped her look in the cabinet. It was a bit small area and cramped, I try my best not to touch her out of respect and not to think I am a creep. Being that close to her made me forget I was still holding the soaking wet cups in my hand dripping wet all over the floor. It was maybe 5 or 10mins. It made my day.

Does she know I am the one putting chocolate in her bag? Does she know I have a crush on her? Does she have a crush on me too? What next? I have been trying to find her on social media. Nada. Her first name was too common and her last name is too rare. I want to ask for her number... if only I am not a weirdo with zero social skills. Then what?

My plan is I want to confess that I have a crush on her and tell her she doesn't have to reply and do anything but I would really like to be friends with he and get to know her more. I want us to be more than just colleagues. I have two days off and I don't know how I am gonna survive these two days. Every time I close my eyes, I see her. I started writing poems again. People say don't shit where you eat and don't put dick in the paycheck. But I feel like it will keep getting worse if I don't do anything.

Thanks for reading my long heartfelt confession. I want to keep going, but I just won't end.